I said these words this morning on the phone at 8:35 am.  “You’re not the one I want.”  “I’m moving on.”  “I’m moving on without you.”  “I don’t value you as a person in my life.”  “I’ve given all I have and you’ve shat on it over and over again.”  “I have nothing left for you and don’t want you in my life.”

I said them in a clinical manner.  Without emotion.  In my lawyer voice, which is equivalent to his robot voice.

He cried.  He asked.  He pleaded.  He reminded me that he is the same person he was a few days ago when we were having great times.

Guess what.  Those great times hurt.  “I’ve prayed for strength, for compassion, endless patience, I’ve given you support that I didn’t even have, I’ve been hopeful, openly optimistic and lifted you up with my genuine love and hope.  All I’ve gotten in return is more pain.”

There have been moments of goodness, moments of love and being able to push back the pain.

But it never goes away, the pain never goes away.

I am going to some day live a life without pain.  Without distrust and destruction.  I am some day going to live a life embracing the good things, the feelings of joy without being scared of them destroying me.  That day is not today.  It is probably not tomorrow or the next day.  But it will be some day.  It may be with another man, it may be simply living the busy life of a single mom of four beautiful children.

What I must restate is that even the good moments were painful.  They were reminders of the cheating.  The cheating ~20 times with prostitutes.  The GOOD times were reminders of the PAIN.  I don’t have the words to further explain that yet.

What I must restate is that I’ve given all I have to give.

I’m entering into neutral mode.  Mode of indifference.

A wise friend told me that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

She is right.  I have not cried.  I do not feel loss, sadness, regret over what is dead and gone.  Maybe it will come, but I think it’s been coming for a long time, and thus- only indifference is left.

 

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