I watched a sort of lame mushy gushy sweet teeny bop movie called the lucky one a few weeks ago.

The girl was a single mom, living her life, not looking for love, not looking for someone to come rescue her.  When the guy comes into the picture, she resists him, but he gradually pushes his way into her heart.

I am going to be that kind of mom.  I am going to live a respectful life.  I am not going to go sex-wild.  I am not going to go out to bars and fuck whoever takes me home with them.  I am not going to contact the very appealing boxer that pursued me hard back in January.  Not going to contact tattoo boy who told me pretty directly that if I ever needed to use his body for some physical gratification, that he was open to it.  Not going to sink to that level.

I’m just going to live my life.  To love my children, to work on me.  To deal with what this has all done to me.  I am open to the joys that a relationship would bring, but it isn’t going to be my life goal to find that and make it happen.  Maybe in a few years.  When the children are older.  Right now, life just with these kids is going to be a lot.  And I am going to be busy.  Enjoying life.

*****

This is what Brian from http://newworldscoaching.ca/wordpress/ wrote.  I think he is a wise man, one who “could” in theory help my husband, because he would push past husband’s defenses, lies, and glazing over everything.

There are really two classes of genuine porn addicts.  Some are dealing with a small hurt or a relationship problem, and using porn as an escape.  Others are seriously ill and using porn for self-medication, because they are dealing with a whole lot of mental anguish.

With this latter kind of porn addict, something went very wrong early on in his life, and he needed an escape from it – we’re talking sexual molestation, life-threatening neglect, abuse, or violent bullying.  He started running away young, and never stopped.  This kind of addict is going to have very different problems from the guy who is escaping something that happened in his life today.  I suspect your husband is in this latter group.

The problem is that porn is like Novocain it doesn’t kill pain, it just defers it.  The pain is still waiting there the moment he looks inside himself and the latest sexual rush wears off.  And over time, mental pain has a habit of growing, getting stronger, harder to deal with, and harder to talk about. After awhile, he couldn’t even tell you what hurt him anymore.  The pain is just so big, old, and rotten it is a part of who he is.

And of course, with the pain fulminating like that, the porn can stop working.  He forgets that the porn was there as a distraction, that it was not looking at the pain that made it go (temporarily) away.  He sees the porn as medicine at that point, and just figures he needs a stronger dose.

This kind of addict, starts hunting for hotter, stranger stuff that gives his brain a bigger charge.  This is where the very unreal stuff stars garnering appeal.  He looks for stuff that creates what psychologists call “erotic illusions”, where the porn stars and the acts may be impossible, strange, violent, or completely synthetic feeling.  This is why straight men can find appeal in gay porn or transsexual porn – it isn’t about a desire for the male anatomy, these images do different more intense things to the brain.

This is even worse for a guy who otherwise wants to be good or decent, because it puts him in a bind:  he can’t stop looking at porn, because he can’t stand to face the hurt.  He also hates himself for using so much porn, because it is not a “good” way to behave.  He is living with constant secrets, shame, and cognitive dissonance.  Eventually, out of self-preservation, this guy learns to justify anything with “but I’m still a good person.”  He can cheat “but I’m still a good person”, lie “but I’m still a good person”, and porn will never be enough, because sex isn’t the answer for this guy, but he doesn’t know that.

In his case he needs a mental health professional to force him to look inside.  He needs to sit down, experience the pain, process it, scream, cry, curse, swear, probably break some stuff to finally get it out of his system. Then he must also be forced to look at all the damage his porn use, his justifications, and his denial has cause, confess to each one, apologize, and make amends.  Finally, he has to start over in ever facet of his life,  He has to re-form every habit and relationship to reflect a man who is totally open and honest about his feelings.

This is not a pretty process:  it is going to hurt, humiliate, and break the guy down.  A lot of psychologists today are too chicken to do this to a person.  [my husband’s “therapy” is a joke.  I don’t know how I know this, I just sense it.] It takes a really exceptional mental health care professional to sit there and methodically strip a man down of all of his defenses.

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