He asked if we could talk tonight after scouts.  I told him if it’s what he needs for closure yes, but if it’s to try and convince me to remain open to him and “wait” for him, then no.  It will only make me angry- and it will make me angry hard and fast.

He said okay.  I assume he will want to talk, but would be happy if he didn’t.

I understand this is hard for him to accept but it is HIS REALITY that HE CREATED.

He also asked “what about the kids- we can’t have no contact?”  I told him that of course we’d correspond about the children, FOR ESSENTIAL things.  I told him he should not email me about “How’d everyone like the shark tooth?” Along those lines, he should not correspond to ask me how one did on a test, etc., but things that are essential.  Parent lunches.  Principals office issues.  It’s obvious to me what is important and what is not.  I informed him of #2’s sickness & dr.  appt today.

It is taking every cell in my body not to call him and tell him I still love him.  I don’t know if I do love him.  I’m not sure at all.  But the part of me that takes CARE of him, that takes CARE of everyone, that wants only the best personal experience for people that have been or are important to me…. that part wants to tell him I love him and give him a warm hug.  But not out of love.  Not out of even friendship.  Just out of a place of kindness for the human race.

I am a hot mess, a total bitch sometimes when I believe it is warranted.  But he is the father of my children and I do wish the best for him.

I hold no hope for me and him as a couple any more, but I do want the best for him.

I hope he heals.  I am resisting the urge right now to spell out all the things I “hope” for him.  Who I specifically hope he sees for help, how he follows up with therapists, how he manages his time… those things are no longer my concern.

Out of habit, they do enter my brain.  But it is a “for him” factor, not a “I hope he can get better” thing.

Different.

Someone said that when you know you’re done with someone, done in a relationship, you know it in every cell of your body and it hits you that you are D-O-N-E.  Kind of like when you know you’re done having kids.  Not everyone experiences that, but I certainly did.  I never felt that doneness after #3 not for a second.  30 minutes postpartum after #2 I said I can’t wait for another one.  But after #4, during the pregnancy, during the labor, during the delivery, the next week, the next year… I am DONE having children and would not do it again for any one.  I would love surgical prevention but won’t do it.  But I’m done.

Point being, do I feel that way about me and husband being DONE?  In all CAPS?

I can’t say entirely so but so fucking close.  99.9%.  Not 99 or 99.5,but 99.9%.  There is just one cell in my body that thinks: maybe in a few years we can be cordial again and hug and if everything lines up with other relationships, maybe.

But I know that that is not likely.  It’s barely even possible.  He’ll get snatched up the minute he is open to it.  I will too… It probably won’t be a relationship relationship but it will be something.  And we’ll never be single at the same time again.  I predict that he will remarry quickly.  Within two years, maybe 1.  I feel bad for his future wife.

Realizing these realities does not pain me.  It just doesn’t.  There’s no feeling left.

I had a finite amount of love, compassion, strength for him and support for him.  It is now gone.  It left when he he answered my questions without giving a shit.

It came back and punched me in the gut when he was choosing wrestlemania over me.  It struck me in the face when I equated that he was essentially choosing wrestlemania over his children, sex with me, and closeness with me after sex.  It knocked me in the knees when he appeared cold and aloof about Meijers and then when I got back doing his K9 bullshit, he didn’t get up, didn’t have any warmth, barely made eye contact, had a tone in his voice, and just SO CLEARLY was trying to hurt me.

That’s all it took.

He did this.  He knew I wouldn’t stand for it.

On some level, he knew that answering the questions without emotion would do it.  But I needed more insult, more pain, more disrespect.

So he gave that to me too.

And I didn’t stand for it.

All used up for him, but not for myself, not used up for my children, not for my friends, not for people who may come into my life in the future.  Just done with HIM.

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