That he lives in a bubble of naïve stupidity, not believing that people cheat on their spouses all the time.  That otherwise “good people” have affairs and see hookers and have emotional and physical affairs.  That surface happy couples cheat on each other all the time.  It makes him seem stupid, to not realize the severity of infidelity in the general population.  This all stemmed from friends husband being all huggy and staying way too long a week or two ago.  He laughed off the possibility of friends husband wanting to bridge to fucking me.  Insulting and stupid.

He calls MMSL ridiculous, cynical, not real.  The fact that they “jump to the cheating conclusion” and are so “negative” is annoying to him.  Guess what.  It’s because that’s REAL LIFE.  He has no idea.  And it is not attractive to be ignorant.  Not flattering to laugh off other men wanting me.

He still doesn’t act like my breasts are a glorious prize to behold.  He “tries” but it is really pretty weak.  Okay, quite weak.


**** UPDATE.

angry.  beyond angry.

shaking and irate.  defining moment just happened.

he comes over.  I had a hard hard night of feeling betrayed, hurt, just completely not understanding what the fuck we are doing.  feeling that I love him so much, yet how can I love him- I have been too hurt to feel love so I question the “love” as being real- horrible night with pit in stomach all night long and nightmares that became physical.

I email him some “questions” I have ahead of time.  Specifically of importance: Did you really only have intercourse with the one hooker and did you always use condoms for anything but a hand job?

Did you take your wedding ring off?  Did you flirty text with the hookers?

He answered these WITHOUT EMOTION.

He sat facing me, holding my hand and looking me in the eye while he answered.

this made my blood boil.  I restricted the extremely strong urge to hit him in the face.  I asked how and why. How and why he went to them?  To have a quick fuck he said.  A quick fuck?  Why couldn’t you have a quick fuck with me?  I don’t know, because I’m so messed up.   He said he can’t explain anything.  I told him that was a pussy cop out excuse.  And that he could do better than that.

Still, minimal feelings.

I tell him to get away from me.  I forcefully shove him back when he tries to touch me.

He finally leaves me in the bedroom.

I tell him to go, get out of my house.  Take the children and exit.

I come downstairs several minutes later.  He is getting the children ready to go to the park.  They go.  I lie on couch.  They come back.  Play outside and in the basement.

He comes to me on the couch.  Touches me.  I have softened up and allow him to love me.  He strokes my hair.  Cries in my arms when he holds me.  Tells me how sorry he is.

The word S-O-R-R-Y has a physical ill effect on my body.  One that raises my blood pressure, heightens my eyebrows and just makes me feel genuine disgust.

I get angry, tell him to leave me alone.

I go in the kitchen later, allow him again to hug me.  We look at pictures from our trip.  He hugs me, holds me, cries in my arms again.  This makes me feel loved.  He touches my breasts.  I love that, I always do.  I allow it to some degree.  His hands are all over my ass.  I love it.  We joke about the dishes.  We talk about scrabble.  We have pizza together.  Things are fine.  His hands are still all over me and I am smiling.

I ask him how long he is staying.  In this moment of sexual context, he says, I can stay however long.  The right answer would be: until I can get you alone and have my way with you.  But I accepted “I can stay however long, I don’t have plans.”  He stated I DON’T HAVE PLANS.

So I’m disappointed in his nonchalance about wanting alone time with me.  Why would he not want to stay long enough to have alone time with me and tuck me in bed afterwards?  Should I be glad he “doesn’t have plans?”  Whatever.

Only mildly irritated, I tell him: You know, I didn’t plan on this today.  I got angry right off the bat upstairs because of how you answered my questions with no emotion.  I can’t handle you talking about it like it’s all no big deal.  I want you to show that you care.  Do you care?

Of course he says he does.  He withdraws at this moment and the rest of it goes steeply downhill.  I interpret that at this point he feels like it’s a no-win discussion and a no-win day.

WHICH WOULD BE FINE if he just acknowledged that.  Actually, it would be awesome if he acknowledged that.  But no.  Now comes some severe passive aggressiveness.

I don’t even know what happens next.  I’m cleaning up in the living room.  The kids ask something about playing with them.  He says he is going to GET GOING SOON. my ears perk up.  I inhale sharply.

He’s in the kitchen getting out his computer.

I go over to him and say something about installing the K9 and he says, well, I wanted to talk to you about something.  Ok, what?  Well, earlier you said you feel like it’s a waste of time to watch tv.  Yeah.  It is.  (We did, it was part of the initial questioning that he addressed upon arriving.)  Well, tonight’s wrestlemania.  What do you think about me watching it?

Okay, so 1. he’s here.  maybe his reasoning is that he just spent 7 days with his family, so today was unnecessary.  maybe his reasoning was that he knows i’m so anti-tv and he didn’t want to piss me off.  3. maybe he fucking whatever.  the point is that his children are wanting his attention, which they can only have in limited doses, and he is asking me if *I MIND* if he goes back to his apartment to watch a fucking tv show.

I get that wrestlemania is a wrestling fan’s biggest day.  it is also the day of our first kiss, 12 years ago.  one might think he’d want to act on that.  but no.  here he is, asking if I MIND if he goes.

BE A FUCKING MAN.  1. own your desires.  if you want to watch wrestlemania then by god, watch it.  don’t pussyfoot around it.  he clearly knew he wanted to- wrestling people know WEEKS in advance of the wrestlemania date.  so had he said to me yesterday or last week- hey, wrestlemania is sunday, I can’t wait to watch it- THEN GREAT.  WATCH IT.  but to be such a PUSSY about it was just making me GAG.  it doesn’t seem like as big a deal as it felt.

On top of not choosing to spend time with me/children above watching this on tv, why couldn’t he communicate his actual desires instead of just being a fucking pansy about it?  when a man wants something- when ANY PERSON wants something—- they can simply state their desire and act upon it.  man or woman.  why does he tiptoe around me and walk on eggshells always ***worrying about making me maaaad**** GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS.

So I immediately just breathe air.  Tell him, as he knows, that wow- really?  I think that would not be the best use of your time but whatever.  you’re a grown man.  make your own damn choices.

He wilts back.

I say I’m leaving.  I HAD NO WHERE TO GO.  I was simply too grossed out by him.  I ask if I should go now or wait till he was done with the computer.  He says “go now.”  He asks where I’m going.  Meijers.  JUST TWO DAYS AGO he  made a huge deal about me NOT going to meijers.  But now in this passive aggressive state, he just nods and I leave.  since when does he not care if I go to meijers???????  Oh I know since when.  Since he is trying to portray that he doesn’t care about me.  That I’m not important to him.  Since he’s trying to send the message to me that I can go fuck myself.  He doesn’t have to say it.  Putting a TV show ahead of me.  Not acting like he can hear me when I say I’m going to Meijers.  Not telling me ahead of time that he has “plans” to watch this fucking show.

I drive around for 8 minutes and come home.  He asks nothing about where I went, what I did.  He is feeding the baby.  Being intentionally hurtfully aloof to me.

I walk up to his computer, start trying to enter the K9 shit.  I say “what’s this kgrqwubhrqbn whatever” he tells me aloof style without barely looking up “I just emailed it to your gmail account.”

I stand there breathing deeply but it is too much.  I can’ tovercome this anger.

I scream out of no where for him to leave.

He jumps up like ‘WHAT’?  As if.

I proceed to scream at him and push him away from me.  He tries to hold me back and I push harder.  I throw his laptop on the floor.  He says it’s his work computer. I  remind him that I do not have a fuck to be given.  I continue to scream.  He screams back.  The children are now crying in the basement.  It is the worst (only?) fight they have witnessed.

What led to this?

1. It is never a win to be “strong” and non emotional when questioned on fucking hookers.

2. It is not a good idea to attack me in sexual ways but when asked about staying, to act like it is no big deal.

3. It is hurtful to put a tv show above your already very limited family and wife time.  It is hurtful indirectly to watch ANY tv, in general, at all, because it is such a fucking pathetic waste of time and life.  But to put it above family time on such limited schedule- fucking infuriating.

4. It is hurtful to turn on the charm and then yank it away in a mean spirited manner (being affectionate on couch and in kitchen, being sexual in kitchen vs. being aloof over Meijers, not wanting to stay, not communicating real reasons and desires about how to spend his time.)  That’s called passive aggressive.  doing things that piss me off and hurt me KNOWING they will piss me off and hurt me but doing them anyways.  instead of just owning up to your feelings, and risking openly making me maaaaad, just doing it all on the down low.  As if that’s any better.

5. When I say to get out, you better fucking get out.

End of story.  I went no contact.  And I feel fucking great about it.  It is time to move on.  It is time for him to heal for himself, or not  heal for himself.  I can’t be his motivation.  On vacation, I asked him if he would be doing all that he is doing if I weren’t waiting for him.  He said probably not.  This troubled me deeply, because I know that is WRONG wrong wrong.  He can’t do it for me.  He said he isn’t doing it “for” me but I am his motivation.  Well.  I’m not perfect.  I will some day piss him off or disappoint him.  Sooner rather than later.  And when that happens, he can’t revert back to porn and hookers just because IIIIIII have disappointed him.  He needs to own his shit for himself, not for me.

So now he has it.  I’m not his any more and I’m NOT waiting.  I’m worth more than this bullshit.  I’m worth someone that does care about me and isn’t afraid to be themselves, have their own feelings and preferences, and loves me for me.  Fuck him.

What I did see as hope and real possibility I now wonder if it was real.  Of course.  I can’t see reality, I don’t recognize it.