I think he pulls away and withdraws so severely and turns on his wildly hurtful passive aggressive behavior when he senses that I’m too in love with him.  He can’t handle my love.  He can’t forgive himself enough to accept my love, and therefore, my love pushes him away.  That’s the effect he chooses to let it have on him.

There is crystal clear intent in the timing of his hurting me.

It is too intentional, too coincidental.  Too coincidental that I was just standing up for “us” and was truly letting his love into my heart.  Sharing my heart fully, without restriction.  Giving of my soul, my self, my ideas, my hopes.

My love is too much for him.  It was all too much for him.  He refuses to give himself to a higher power.  He refuses to accept reality.  He chooses not to step out of his comfortable, protective, ignorant bubble of the way HE perceives his life.  He skims over everything, doing the minimal possible amount of WORK to get by with me.  Nothing for himself.

So when I gave him my heart, so fully and without restriction, instead of taking it and soaking it up and enjoying it, he uses it to turn around and hurt me.

He never took the most important things seriously, and while I do believe in the attachment disorders and intimacy anorexia, I know now that some things are indeed a conscious choice.  It was too much for him.

He sabotaged it all.  Perhaps unconsciously but certainly with some degree on some level, of intention.

I am thankful tonight that despite not being able to sleep, I can see clearly.  It has been a slow process.  A very slow process.  Each day, each week, I felt that my eyes were opening.  I know what I deserve in life and I know what I’m worth.  A lot.

I know happiness the way most people see it may not come easily to me, yet I find myself so happy just to be out from under the pain.  So light.

Not without disappointment, but without the weight of the pain.