On the 16 hr drive home we were talking about how the sexual marketplace works.  And how men really do think sexual thoughts about other women.  Husband in denial over this.  I was trying to teach him how it works, without talking down to him, I tried to “explain” the realities.  He was quiet for a while and eventually said “How do you still love me, how do you tolerate me?”  I said without hesitating “Sometimes I really don’t know.”

He said “Wow.  That’s not the answer I was hoping to hear.”

Me: “Yeah.  Because you’re worth it and I love you.  That’d be the right answer.  But it’s fucking hard.  I DON’T know how I do it sometimes.  You’ve hurt me beyond words, I will never be the same, and on top of all that, you don’t seem to accept reality and there’s this stubbornness about you that is just exasperating.  I do love you.  Obviously I love you, I love the shit out of you, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.”

Him: not much to say.

Well.  Guess what.  It’s true.

Now he will have the space to see if he really is worth happiness.  If he is worth ME, if he is worth communicating with, loving, and sharing a life with the mother of his children.

Nothing he will do is to tell me about his doing it.  Nothing he does will get praise from me any more.  Because I am out of his life.  I want to be out of his life.  I want to not see his face, to hear his voice, to read his daily bullshit emails.  Those daily emails are wonderful- they give me hope.  But they are not even remotely how he is in real life.  Is that considered progress?  That he can “open up” so beautifully over email but in person really struggles to open up to the same degree?  Whatever.  I’m out.

My heart is broken.  I’m fine.  I know that I’m worth more, I know that I’m worth a HELL of a lot more.  But it still hurts.  Just… sucks.  A lot.

I loved him.  I tried to be supportive and compassionate and wait.  I prayed for strength, to be a supportive wife.  But at some point, I break.  I broke.

 

Advertisements