Today I received a text saying he was getting out of work early.  He was on his way and couldn’t wait to wrap his arms around me.

The kids are going wild to music in the kitchen.  Baby playing happily.

I smile.  Jump up, run upstairs.  Pick up the house a little on the way up.  Brush my hair, braid it, leaving wispys in front.  Put on some makeup.  Earrings.  A tight low scoop tank top.  Brush my teeth, a dab of perfume on the back of my neck.

He comes in and just blah.  Blah.  Hugs the kids.  Low energy, strained smile.

Wet blanket into the whole house.  He moves lethargically over to me standing at the sink.  I was trying to have some girl game and be a little playfully aloof so that he could come to ME since he seemed so loving and passionate about seeing me.  But when he did come there was just nothing.

A nice long hug with no words, no passion or excitement.

NOT that every greeting must be like a movie scene but he had kind of prepared me for sweetness in that text.  Thus, I felt disappointed.

He pulled away, commented on my earrings and shirt.  Great.  Glad these retail items are pleasing.

I then started to check out.  He was not there with me.

He did a few things for me.  Asked some household and logistical questions.  Asked if I wanted him to do things to help out or just hang with me.  I appreciated him asking (because of the visit last week) and sent him to do things.

So then he starts being more attentive, asking what’s wrong.  I was being cold now.  Frustrated at the buildup of such warmth to the reality of mediocre (at best) interest.

We went into the other room and I told him.  “Where’s the love that you give me in your emails, in the texts?”  He said he felt awkward because we’re trying to keep it G rated in front of the kids.  I said I don’t think we need to do that.  We were trying not to kiss in front of them but what’s the difference really.  They see us hugging, crying, being sweet, and having crying conversation and holding each other sometimes.  So throw in some kisses, it’s not a big deal.  I understand some awkwardness can come from the uncertainty of how to conduct himself.

Anyways, what it came down to is that he discovered something very troubling one hour before leaving work.  It is a pretty big deal and he couldn’t let go of it upon leaving work.

Once explained to me, I grasped the severity of it and why he couldn’t dismiss it… I very easily could see the problem. I understood why it was so troubling.

He had prepared me for being sweet.  I was expecting it.  His one line text was kind of out of character – it insinuated that he’d come in with a smile, envelop me in his arms, lift me off of the ground, with excitement in his eyes and desire in his pants… when really it was the opposite.

I told him that I wish he’d told me that he was upset about something.  That if he had told me, I’d have met him at the door with a big hug.

KEY POINT: total nice guy problem.  TOTAL nice guy situation.  Had something problematic happen.  Doesn’t want to “bring me down” with it, so instead will bring me down even more and in a more emotionally disturbing way.  Expects himself to be able to drop it, so just ignores the “bad” thing instead of being open about it, which makes things even worse.

No more mr. nice guy here.

I’m not saying that every time he has a stressful day he should come home upset- but days when there is a real problem, a real FEELING that effects him… he just has to communicate with me.  He can’t bury his own feelings for the sake of mine (that’s what he was trying to do today I think.)

I love him so much- it is hard to go through tiny little things like this that shouldn’t be such a big deal.  This WASN’T a big deal, but it disappointed me.

I know I only post about problems mostly… and that’s because I need to get them off my chest.  Things are really pretty good right now, all things considered.  I feel like he IS making progress.  He is getting teary pretty easily.  I feel like it’s coming.  It is not going to come right now.  But it will come to him when he is ready for it, when he can handle it, and it can enhance his life.

I love him.  I am waiting.

I will not wait forever, but I don’t think it will be forever.  We leave for our trip on Monday.  16 hours next to each other in the car.  Hotel rooms together.  Handing off the kids to each other and seeing them thriving with their daddy and mommy together.  There is a lot of potential for hurt and pain, and I’m sure things will bubble up… but I honestly feel so good about it.  I think we “need” a little getaway to help bandage up some of the wounds.  Not that they’re going to heal everything and make life a happy scene but I think it will be good for us.

I’m good at communicating.  Good at sharing my feelings.  While sometimes my expectations can get a little … um, high- usually that does come to me and then I do apologize and we move forward together.  I think we can do this.