Love is… what? Being independent of someone yet still yearning for them in your heart? Knowing that despite not being perfect… far from it actually, that they still somehow add to your life in a beautiful way? How does this man add to my life in a positive way?

He is the father of my children. He has given me sex and kisses and hugs. He has supported me financially. He has shared his days with me. He has “done” a lot of things in our shared household. He has taken me places, he has taken interest in me. He has given me orgasms, he has rubbed my feet and washed my dishes and changed my oil and washed my back in the shower. He has painted my toenails, carried me when tired, he has been angry when people are unkind to me. He has been on my team. He has loved our children, been a solid presence in their lives. He is a good person.

He IS a good person.

He just isn’t there for me in an intimate or emotional way.

Yet, I love him. The past few days I feel a special kind of love. A different kind of love. One that is less … dependent… yet still kind and present.
One that is naturally patient, not angrily forcing patience.
I feel a different kind of love, one that is relaxed, can breathe, can wait, can handle it.
This love knows that love is not elusive, that I would find love again if I were open to it, should this man end up being undeserving of my love.

My past love was DEPENDENT on him loving me just the way that I wanted to be loved.

My love today is chilled out. It knows shit isn’t perfect and it is okay with that. My love today is not so distracted by other options and the maybes and what-if’s, but really, is here. Checked in to this relationship.

I just feel… okay. Not scared or even terribly sad. Not walled off and guarded, but complete. Whole with myself and not terribly worried. I know every day I am “wasting the pretty,” that these are the best years/days of my life and if I’m not going to be with him, that I should go NOT be with him. Yet, I am calm and peaceful about this choice to love him, to wait, to keep trying.

I don’t know, but it feels good to feel okay.

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