Point system.
To put actual values on these things.
These things occurred in order listed.

Rush home early for breakfast “date.” Make date sound worth the rush. +10 because it makes me feel important.

Enamored by my appearance upon arriving home. +30

Great conversation in car and at restaurant. +30

Good kino (touching sweetly/romantically). +10

Opening doors for me. +20

Telling me he didn’t think his email required an apology. +10

Sitting next to me instead of across from me. +10

Handling my insecurities (and sadness about the “I have no secrets”) very well when I started talking about the woman at work who wants him, being committed despite not wearing wedding rings, despite being separated, etc. +50

Does the dishes +5 (this is never a great thing, but in the context — FRAME- of being otherwise awesome, it is a nice little gesture. At this point, he was still being awesome overall.)

Examines brake pads. +30

Takes car for oil change. +30

Gets me phone radio +10 (All these things are things that I appreciate in the frame of a loving partner.)

Sexy time. I was already aroused and desiring him from earlier in the day. He was very attractive to me in his actions and loving ways. My intentional CHOICE in opening up my heart to him was obviously a big factor in this.

We each take off our own clothes. -10. This is fine once in a while, but it is so much nicer to have him remove my clothes for me. Has the potential to build so much desire.

Doesn’t immediately request that I take my shirt off nor remove it himself immediately nor acknowledge verbally “why did you leave your shirt on, that’s the best part” or anything of that nature. -40.

Is hard very easily, which tells me he is turned on by me. +40

Upon taking off my shirt, does not pay much attention to my breasts -60

I start crying, and he ignores me, pushing through to be silly/sweet about boobs. +40 / -40. It is good the way he was playful with me to get past it and still have sex. I appreciate that. But it does hurt me at the same time that he didn’t acknowledge my emotion.

Good sex, I felt very desired. He didn’t last terribly long, which in this case, was a compliment that I really appreciated. Also, when I asked him to give it to me, he withheld the hard pounding until HE was ready… which was not too long, but being told no was hot. +80

Him not acknowledging that he wondered why I was crying and him acting aloof about it when I brought it up. -30. I can see not acknowledging it in the moment, sort of, because he wanted to get to the sex. I can appreciate that. But it needs to be acknowledged about later. I gave plenty of opportunity to bring it up and he did not. Then when I do ask about it, he’s all aloof about it, I don’t think so.

Then trying to pay attention to my breasts after the fact, give me the attention that I requested +30
Talk about phone during said attention to my breasts -80

Leaving me to go downstairs -30. I got spoiled a few weeks ago when he stayed with me and let me narc out on his arm for a few minutes. He didn’t have to sleep with me but he could lie there and just be with me.

Going downstairs and not being acknowledged in a warm or sexy way -20

Realizing that he had folded laundry during this time. That folding laundry was more important than letting me lie naked with him -20. (If we’d had good sex and he had been kind and attentive to SOME degree, this could have been a +5 like doing the dishes above. It could have been a helpful gesture. But in this frame, it was a beta act of NMMMG intimacy anorexia coming out.)

Cooking steak. Also more important than lying naked with me -30. Pretty much ANYTHING that he could do in this time frame besides being sweet to me, is going to be a substantial deficit. He has now made me feel insecure and unimportant to him. Is it an issue of my own insecurity and self confidence, maybe. But within the context of our relationship, all things CONSIDERED (for the love of Christ) it is indeed something he needs to accept and work towards healing with me on.

Still No mention of the great sex, my hotness, nothing. Instead talking about roof racks and radio stations – 40 Yes, I’m double dipping to the -20 a few points above where he didn’t acknowledge me upon immediately seeing me. The fact that now he is talking about mundane annoying bullshit gets another point deficit.

Stand by fridge, tell him I feel part happy and part sad, with zero exploration or warmth -60. Thanks for not giving a shit. Again.

Going to fix the bathroom drain -80.

Point being: The things that would otherwise be great acts of helpful, alpha, such as cooking my steak and fixing the drain were indeed NOT valuable AT ALL. They were substantially large deficits, because the FRAME had changed. By that time, he had shown me repeatedly that he was going to neglect my feelings and shut me out emotionally- that he didn’t want to “deal with” anything but pleasant good feelings- he wouldn’t go there with me any more. Therefore, anything that would otherwise be considered awesome, was NOT awesome- it was in fact, hurtful. Because what I value most is being important to him…. not him cooking steaks or unclogging drains. I don’t give a flying fuck about those things IF he can’t simply open up and be loving towards me.

I don’t know what the total points come out to and I don’t care. This was simply an exercise to show how the things people do change depending on the other things they’re doing.

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