Last night was awful.

It started off good. Me telling husband that I was thankful that I had friends who distracted me, kept me busy, poured my wine and were supportive.

I went to SP’s for about an hr after he left with the kids, before pedi time. It was good. Just me, SP and SR. SP was interested in my life but mostly pretty kind. I told her about the MB trip coming up, a 16 hr each way drive, our first road trip. She was appalled that my husband decided to join us, that I “let” him. SP is a grrrrrrlpower kind of girl. She is very smart but seemingly a little dense in real world application of her grrl power. Example: she doesn’t give blow jobs because she “doesn’t get anything” out of it. But she needs her husband to go down on her so that she’s wet enough for him to get in. Sooooo, that kind of girl.
She is a feminist, maintains that anything her husband can do she can do better, and in fact she DOES do better. She does all he does and more. She says she does all the man stuff PLUS all the woman stuff, where he onnly does the man stuff- but only when she lets him.

Okay, so she’s very fun, total wino girl. Texted at 4:30 saying “wine time” which is the invitation to go over to her house.

Right before I had to leave, I told her about husband going to MB with us- she looked right up straight across the table at SR, not at me. She had wide eyes. Looked at me and said: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Okay. #1. She knows nothiing of what happened. NOTHING. She has no clue (yet) why we are seperated. #2. She knows I wish to end up with him in the big picture. In the long run. #3. We haven’t talked in weeks, we aren’t close, she doesn’t know “me” that well, let alone my RELATIONSHIP that well… anyways, I left in a little bit of a tizzy of being irrirated by that.

I went to get a pedicure with JP, which was great. She is very sweet and despite being a little crazy sometimes and super insecure/paranoid, she means so well and is a truly kind, supportive friend.

All good.

Go back to SP’s afterwards. Her and JE are there now. All starts fine again. JP and SR join us eventually. We talk about all sorts of stuff. JE’s new house compared to MS’s house. Interior design. Pillows. Germany. Sex. Spring break plans. Weight loss. Then boom: “So, why the heck is your husband going with you on this trip, seriously?” Me: Oh. Well, because I offered him to join us and he wants to. Then, a barrage of questions from all 4 of the other girls began.
ALL of them. SP was the leader of the questioning and others were chiming in with side questions and making moans and groans indicating their disapproval of my answers.

“Well why did you invite him, if you’re seperated?”
– Ah, because I want to be with him, we need to stay connected, I think it will be really good for us.
“If you want to stay connected why are you even seperated to begin with?”
– You know I”m not going into the details.
“Well, if you don’t tell us the details, we can’t help you.”
– I actually don’t need your help. I’m good! (smiling!!)
“Is this all based on financial problems? CAn I ask that?”
– No.
“Sooo, infidelity then?”
– Yes.
“Ugh, has he been cheating on you, having an affair, what?”
– Not going there, girls.
irritated silence.
“Well, I think it makes no sense that he is going with you. You needed that trip to set the stage for being a strong, single mom. He needs to learn his lesson. I don’t know why you’re giving in to him already, it’s only been what, a few weeks?”
– It’s fine. (growing annoyed.)
Lots of pursed lips and raised eyebrows looking around the room at each other.
“So, are you guys open to seeing other people?”
– No. But I did kiss another man.
this got them going. The what, where, (dancing) how, (he pulled me to him and did it) how does that happen, how did it work, who were you with (S), did you make out, (no, I pulled away) did you get his number? (no)
Then the “let’s go dancing!!! I want to live vicariously through you kissing other men at the dance clubs!”
me: nah. I’m not going to do that again.
“WHY NOT?” “Your husband cheated on you, is moved out, you’re getting a divorce, but you’re not going to go dancing again when you can now, you’re letting him go on vacation with you?” and “What about the kids???”
– “the kids” is my hot spot. When someone starts with the what-about-the-chillllllldddreenn I just lose my cool. THE KIDS ARE FINE. They see mommy and daddy being loving and supportive of each other. We hug in front of them, hold each other. They know that we LOVE EACH OTHER but that “daddy has some problems he needs to figure out so sometimes grown ups have to take some space” to deal with that. We’re not presenting an attitutde of hate and anger with each other. We are presenting the OPPOSITE. And that is fucking AWESOME. Yes, it is a little… confusing .. as to why daddy had to move out to take care of his problems, but we are handling it FUCKING AWESOME for real. I would never ever let it go down any other way. So I simply state louder and in a firm voice with a FACE that THE KIDS ARE FINE. IN FACT, THEY ARE AWESOME.

They saw my anger coming. They knew they’d gone too far. They left it alone. JP ended it with “I just want you to be happy. You need to be able to trust him if you’re letting him go on this vacation with you. Do you trust him?” Me: no. Please stop talking about it.
More raised eyebrows looking at each other.

They go back to talking about other stuff. I don’t even know what it was because I was sitting there fuming.
5 minutes go by, I finish my wine.

I stand up abruptly and say that I have to leave.
“Why, you have no kids home today or tomorrow? You don’t have to go.”
– I do. I need to deal with something.
“Did we piss ya off?”
– I just have to go deal with something.
“Do you have to go deal with your husband?”
– Yes. I need to call him.

((exit.))

No hugging goodbyes, no friendly “thanks.” Nothing. And the part that stings the worst is that there are no apology texts this morning, no “I hope we didn’t go to far” or “I hope I didn’t say anything hurtful” nothing.

Just nothing.
Soooo, just like how I roll, I’m done with them. I write people off when they hurt me or piss me off or are too pushy or too in my face or too anything. I box them up, put a lid on it and never deal with them again. It is always a conscious decision and one that can not be changed.

I did it with the nanny. I did it with CR here. I did it with KK before we moved. These were people I REALLY LIKED. I called them great friends, some of my best friends at the time, even. Before that, there have been dozens. Men, girlfriends, everything. One little thing- or a buildup of too many thinigs that I can’t communicate are hurtful to me- and boom. Done.
Then if they try to patch things up like normal people, I’m SO done that I can’t even deal with them. I won’t go back to any attempt to heal a friendship. This is a problem, one of my extremes. I need to work on it.

SO. Maybe instead of writing them off forever, I could communicate something to them. That is what my therapist would say I should do. Maybe I will.

**

I feel very uneasy sleeping alone here at night. Paranoia kicks in. It is unfounded, but what it comes down to is that the house feels so BIG to be so empty. If I were alone in a little 1 or 2 bedroom apartment complex I would feel safer. Any single family residence is just not a good feeling to sleep in alone. Tiny house with neighbors on both sides, still. Big house with neighbors around, still. I wish at night that I was sleeping in a hotel, in an apartment complex, in a dorm room. I like having more people around and accessible. I feel so uneasy, not exactly scared. No anxiety attack, just…. uncomfortable. Yucky.

I wish he was here.

Advertisements