NOW— there are all sorts of mental and personality-related conditions that many many people could choose from and fit themselves into. I’m sure I could go through a psych diagnosis book and find several random conditions that I could fit into. Probably many people I know could as well.

It doesn’t matter much to me that I am or am not labeled as anything, but seeing these things all together is a little bit troubling. I am not that mentally healthy.
Knowing these things doesn’t change who I am or how I love or how I function in the world. It is just good to be aware of these issues so that I can perhaps become more healthy and HAPPY and accepting of the world.

People with borderline personality disorder are charachterized by a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. VERY impulsive.

The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
It doesn’t really matter whether I accept the label associated with this “condition” or not. I act in all of the ways described:

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

•Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. * Constant- CONSTANT. Became totally dependent on being loved and therefore, not abandoned.

•A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. * Happens in all my relationships with girlfriends, and before marriage, with men and boyfriends too. I think of all my close girlfriends, and even those I didn’t get close to. CR, AH, CC, some of my lifetime best friends- ADORE and idealize contrasted with some day out of no where becoming annoyed and forever writing them off. Boxing them up and never regretting it. With men when I dated, I cheated on every single man I ever dated except for/until my husband. Furthermore, when they started to fall for me, I’d cut them off. Box them up, never think of them again by choice, never wonder, certainly never feel bad. I was thrilled to cut off that relationship fast and hard with no thought or regret.

•Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self. * I vascillate between extremes of sense of self. Committed girlfriend. Cheating party girl. Druggie. Punk. Smoker. Hippie. Professional. Sexy beautiful. Super mom wrapped up in my kids. Submissive housewife. Dog groomer. Salaried professional. Successful small business owner. Starbucks barista. Personal trainer. Which one am I? It is normal to be some of each within the personal traits. To take pieces of some and leave others. Yet I have to go 110% in ONE, every time. There is never middle ground. I don’t know who I am, I never have. Every profession I have worked in I have gone all the way. Total achievement and perfectionism. Salaried professional: give it every ounce I had, work 12 hour days by choice. Small business owner: never stop, always need more more more more more. Be the best. $150k in sales. Dog groomer: must own my own business, do it the best. Charge the most, be the best.

•Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) * Spending, extreme sex, cycles of extreme binge eating/purging, cycles of too much drinking, in past: cycles of too many drugs.

•Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. * Self mutilating behavior. Recurrent thoughts of suicide that I would not act upon. When younger, very close to attempting real suicide. Lots of self injuring and self mutilating behavior.

•Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Severe anxiety and irratibility, physical discomfort and physical symptoms of dry heaving/vomiting and spinning room- all from no physical ailment, just anxiety. These come and go in spurts.

•Chronic feelings of emptiness. * I have always described my low periods as feeling “empty,” “dead inside,” “just nothing.”

•Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). YES. I have had anger management problems for as long as I can remember. I have acted out of anger far, far too much- physically and verbally.

•Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms. * Dissociative episodes totally checking out when moving through life. In car, in stores, in conversation. Random bits of paranoia – telling husband to watch for friends car when out because I thought she may be following him, my paranoia when driving, of someone pulling me over and stealing me/children.

I think that I have always been an extremist. All of nothing. Black or white, all the way. 100% or 0%. Get up and look beautiful and be extremely productive or lie on couch in pajamas all day doing NOTHING. Hang with my best friend every day and do everything together, be co-dependent on one another or don’t bother being friends at all. I have never been enough for myself. Never. I am always searching for the next thing to make whole. Moving across the country. Telling husband to surprise me with the house we’ll live in. More babies. More homebirths, because I’m that awesome. Another business. Perfect body. High expectations or no expectations at all.

I don’t portray myself to the world as an unstable person, I just come off as demanding and a little bitchy and super impulsive, but in a “crazy and fun” way. People like me. They like to be around me. I’m fun, funny, a great listener, I’m a great sales person, I can sell anyone anything really. I can use any trick, any “technique” to sell anything. I build people up and allow them to walk on me sometimes – that is when I’m not being demanding or cutting them out of my life just like that.

I operate from this fear of abandonment, maybe. I cut people off before they can cut me off. I omit them from my existance before they have a chance to hurt me. I’m always in charge.

So isn’t it interesting that it is just NOW when my husband is MAKING PROGRESS, when he is IMPROVING, that I go to a dance club, kiss another man, consider dating other people, tell him maybe we should date other people… where was that when he was unavailable?
Oh, that’s right- I tolerated it for 10 years when he was unavailable because THAT is what’s comfortable to me. Neglect. My parents’ neglect was comfortable me because even though I hated it, it was all I knew. Enter: husband. His extreme neglect and cruelty was comfortable. Now, he is changing. He is opening up, improving, showing me real love. It is at this point that if we were dating 13 years ago, maybe I would have cut him off and moved on to the next. But he never was fully available to me, so I never HAD to cut him off.

And here we are, I want more, I think I want more – he is trying so hard to open up, to give me the more that I dream of supposedly, and yet, it is just NOW, after 10 years of neglect, that I consider really leaving him.

What is that?

I have issues. I do love him. I want to choose him. I want him to be mine. I had to take the crappy husband who was fucking other women and neglecting me for ten years. So if he can check in, wake up, open his heart up, I want that prize. I should get it, I’ve earned it. Plus I love him.

I love the way he attacked me yesterday. We were making out in the kitchen. He was physically aroused. #1 came up, we broke apart, he talked to him for a few seconds. Then when #1 went downstairs and shut the door, my husband whirled around faster than I’ve ever seen and CAME.AT.ME. I have never felt that kind of desire from him.
Like last weekend, when he told me to go upstairs and he was walking behind me pressing himself into me as I walked. Never has happened before.
And then when we got to the bed… and I started to climb up. And he grabbed me and said “not yet” and started to work his magic while I was standing there.
He has been looking down at me, staring at my breasts while touching them. Grazing his fingers over my collarbone, my breasts. Looking at my body like he owns it. It feels amazing beyond belief.

Last night he got candles out and lit them and got us both in the shower. He touched me and looked at me. Moved the hair out of my eyes. Put his big strong hand on the side of my face. I provided oral to him for the first time in WEEKS. It feels so submissive and submissive feels wrong right now. But if I can accept that * I * have substantial issues too, then I don’t feel superior to him.

I don’t know that me realizing all of these things about myself necessarily changes anything. No matter what I did or how I acted, it was still HIS choice to cheat on me repeatedly and LIE to me repeatedly. That doesn’t go away.

I feel love for him in my heart but it is hard to open up to him the past several times I have seen him. Hard to convey joy to him, it’s like I want to love him but won’t let myself act upon it. I’m not overthinking it in the way he says he overthings everything to the point of being paralyzed… I’m not overthinking, I’m just kind of blank.
I don’t want anyone else, I want to want him.

I asked my therapist if working on these issues we are recognizing in me will help me to accept his love. She said it would.
That is what I want.

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