Well, not sure what happened here but I feel like a different person.  All part of the cycles of emotions, and this wave is a good one that I am really going to enjoy riding.  Monday was my huge breakdown, my call-him-ask-to-come-home day.  After that, everything started to clear away and I started to feel free.  Tues & Wed. were amazing, today (Th) is amazing.  There is no sadness, no emptiness, just… peace.

Last night was his night here, my weeknight to not be a single parent.  I had dinner with the family (he ate over), having my favorite pizza that my best friend ordered for us.  I then went to a restaurant and had two drinks over 3 hours with two girlfriends.  It.Was.Awesome.

First of all, I told these girls the real story.  I don’t know why, I just felt it.  So they know.  So now the only people who know the real story are M, L, of course J (out of state) and KG (also out of state.)  I suppose DR knows too, but somehow she just guessed it when I started to tell her the “generic” version and I admitted yes.  She doesn’t give a shit really, so she doesn’t count much.  Besides J being amazing awesome incredible, last night was the BEST experience of telling people.

They were just the right mix of horrified, disgusted, supportive, and compassionate.  People tend to go way too far one way.  M can be way too pro-husband-all-men-have-problems.  L can be too divorce-his-ass-for-all-you-can-get-and-never-look-back, and honestly, she and I only correspond every 1-2 weeks at all, so she’s not a real strong presence in my daily life.  KG is not worth much in general here but is sweet over text when we text occaionally.  J is amazing every single day.  One time irked me just a hair being too mean-ish, but always recovers and goes back to being perfect for me.  My good online friend turned phone friend is good, always a compassionate ear.  My good friend S still doesn’t know the whole story at all.  Which is weird, because she IS such a good friend.  Something about it just doesn’t want to let me risk telling her because I’m afraid that she’ll react in a way that makes me unlike her.

Anyways.

I have several other worthwhile things to mention.

1. He knew of my desire to get a dog and “approved” it.  This annoyed me.  **** getting a dog was always SUCH A BIG DEAL **** Our kids wanted one.  I wanted one.  We all wanted one.  We all talked details of having a dog trying to convince him over the years.  Especially me.  No, no, no and no no.  Then all of a sudden it becomes my “when I am truly independent of him, I will get a dog.”  And then he says he supports me getting a dog?!!!!  Well guess what.  I don’t want a dog any more.  Only half joking.

2. When he asked what kind of dog I was thinking of, I said a big dog with a mean bark.  And his eyes got wide thinking of the huge shits this dog would do.  And then I continued “so I feel safe at night” and he became sad.  Feeling like he has left me feeling unprotected.  Which he has.  My intent was not to make him feel guilty or sad about this but it was the reality.

3. I don’t know that I really dooooo want a dog because I plan on doing a lot of traveling over our seperation.  I’m going to be making a lot of weekend trips to 2 different road trip friends homes at least  a time or two each over 6 months.

4. He did indeed sign a lease yesterday I believe.  2 bedroom apartment with 5×5 walk in closet which may accomodate the pack & play.  Ugh, can’t imagine this sweet tiny guy sleeping in a pack & play.  He is not going to be a happy baby.  I feel fine- FINE- about him signing the lease.

5. He came early and brought me some groceries and did some dishes and played some basketball with the big boys.  It was nice.  Pleasant.  We sat on the couch together and snuggled, arms around each other.  He talked to the kids about school over dinner.  He shared work stuff with me.  All was nice.  We shared a kiss.  He’d gotten a haircut and looked really good.

6. When I got home from my drinks, it was late, 10 pm.  I knew he wanted to go and get to bed.  He said he wanted to show me something upstairs, so I sighed and went.  I was in the bedroom like “well, what?” and he came at me.  Kissing me, hands on rib cage, kissing me.  I was not feeling it.  But wanted to.  So I kissed back.  I tried to get into it.  But it was forced.  I wanted to want him, wanted to love him.  I knew he wanted sex, but I didn’t know how to go there.  I haven’t *shaved* in a week, was generally unprepared, was just, not expecting to go here.  But here we were, going there.

He tried going down but I didn’t let him.  He tried taking off my bra but I didn’t let him.  I don’t know how I can feel good about him loving my body when I know that he doesn’t.  I don’t know how I will ever enjoy him paying attention to my breasts when I know he’d rather ignore them.  It is a tremendous hurdle.  It is one tiny fraction of the problems, a TINY fraction, but such a personal, hurtful, and unchangable one.  So that is bad.

The fact that I insisted on hiding part of my body from him out of … shame or undeservedness made the sex not that good.  I orgasmed quickly once he was inside me, but it was just kind of dreadful sex.  If I can’t give myself fully to him, I can’t give to him at all.  If I can’t present my whole body, I don’t want to present anything sexual.  I’m not one to be ashamed of myself.  I know I am beautiful, yet I know he doesn’t think I am.  This does not bother me in general daily life, but sexually of course it does.  When I stuff it down and pretend it doesn’t bother me or that I can push it aside and ignore it, that is not being authentic to myself, so I will no longer do that.

Not to mention, I simply do not feel attraction to him right now.  I feel kindness and “love” and compassion and pride and strength for the good things that he is working towards, but I do not feel attracted to him.  I do not see him and want to pull him into my body.  I see him and wish to wrap my arms around him in a warm hug, but I don’t feel sexual towards him.  I see that he is physically beautiful but he is not a protector of me, he is not a leader, even though he demonstrates some leadership with me (taking the doritos, bringing me nyquil, telling me he was not coming back immediately on Monday), it is without real trust.  It is leadership that I am accepting and soaking up but it is without a strong… frame.  Without a lot of … respect.

I think that those good things can come back over time.  One can hope.

So then somehow, I told him he could sleep over.  I’m not sure why this came out of my mouth.  Trying to be “nice” I suppose?  I will not make this mistake again.  It just felt like we were ACTING like everything was totally normal and okay!  It is not!  It was silly.  I couldn’t sleep with him in my  bed.  I told him I wanted space in bed, but he could sleep here for a quiet night.  We didn’t take space, I snuggled right into him because I felt like I should.  I took it upon myself to build him up and give him love, when it actually detracted from my own sense of self.  It felt wrong.   Ridiculous, even.

Yesterday we had our first follow up call with Dr. Weiss.  Yesterday was one month out from the day he left the intensive.  One month has gone by.  We talked a lot about where we are, what we are doing.  He was surprsingly supportive of the divorce plans.  He was very very clear about something.

What I need is deep, genuine, empathy.  Empathy all the way.  I NEED for him to feel what he did to me very deeply, in his heart, in his soul.  I need for him to fully grasp the pain he has put onto me, the betrayal and unbelievable hurt he has injected into my life.

Weiss said that some day he will be overcome with it.  One day, when he is doing his own thing, it will hit him.  He kept comparing it to a 10 year old trying to understand abstract reasoning.  That a 10 year old can’t undestand or explain philisophical therories, that no matter how much they read or listen to or watch or try, they can not.  It is not within their power to do.  One day, it comes upon them, and they CAN.  I questioned this heavily.  I didn’t understand.

I kept asking, so how does one “learn” empathy if they don’t have it, how does it come to them?

He just kept saying that if my husband does the work, really gets in touch with himself, his feelings, his emotions, that it WILL HAPPEN.  I said it was very hard for me to accept but that I would try and believe him.  This process takes 8-12 months.  And once it hits him and downloads into his brain and heart, it will be with him forever and ever.  This sounds so glorious.

And maybe once I feel that deep, true remorse about all of it, the porn, the neglect, the rejection, the prostitutes, the lies, the deception, the secrecy, the intent, his stupid obsession with “breasts”, his dislike of my breasts, all of it- maybe once it all comes to him and I can SEE, HEAR, and FEEL that he really knows the severeity of it, then I can accept something and move on.  Everything hinges on that.

But in the mean time, I am strangely okay, at least today, at least right now.  And yesterday and the day before, too.

I’ll take it.

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