How does one find joy, one looks for it.  They leave their pain for a moment, and open their eyes to the goodness around them.  They can go back to the pain, or they may not.

My friend wrote me today:

You have no idea how happy I am to hear that a bubble popped and gave you some sweet, temporary relief.  So happy.  I know it’s temporary, but enough for you to catch you rbreath and gear up for the next one, or 100.  This is a war and you need these down moments to regroup.  I love that you are getting snuggles with #1 tonight, he is probably over the moon!  Yeasty bubbles- I mean the stuff bubbling up to the surface that needs to happen to make you grow (a la bread dough.)  And the bubbles are not clear and perfect like the bubbles you blow, they are brown and murky and you’re trying to make sense of them.  YOu don’t know when they are going to come.  Some are little and some are full on tidal waves.  Just trying to make sense of anything- the past, the present, the future, you, him, the kids, what was real, what wasn’t, and on and on.

And sometimes you can sit with the bubbles and think about them.  Sometimes it’s way too intense and you have to pick up the phone and talk to someone who will stop you from calling him, begging him, going to the source of instant relief.  Because the source of relief is also the source of pain.  Which is what makes it all totally fucked up.

I love you lots and lots, I am so proud of you for being an amazing mom, despite going through the worst days and pain of your life- I am proud of you for getting out of bed and trying- like the Pink song.  Thank you for hearing me and understanding that all I want for you is true happiness.  Through all the shit I went through last year, my prayer was never a specific outcome, it was always just “please lead me to my happiest possible future.”  I still pray that because it’s still unclear sometimes.  It may always be.  I wish for a certain outcome for you too.  Of course I do.  BUT only if you/your family/him can be put back together strong and whole.  I am so amazed that you are trying hard to settle into the unknown for a while.  It fucking sucks.  And it will comes in waves of being fine/not fine within seconds.  That is not cool at all, but it is okay.

You will be okay my sweet, beautiful, brilliant, talented, generous, gorgeous friend.  I know now that every second or minute you’re living without stability and direction but you are actually putting one foot in front of the other and are living to tell about it.  I have an idea for two years from now when all this has passed one way or another.  In the mean time, I am here for you.  Today, five minutes later, 2 am, next week, next month and the one after.  Call whenever the waves hit.  I can take it and I want to support you.  I can do it.  I love you so much and will reassure you that you are never alone and that you matter so much.

You are in this to win the war, not just the battle today.

Wow, right?

Wow.

I know.

 

 

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