The days that I’m not ruined for life, on the brink of existence, I am fine.  I am almost even my joyful and sassy and spunky old self.  At least today I have been.  I have seen so much sunlight and joy today.  I felt scalding hot water pouring over my body.  I smelled delicious scents.  I ate amazing foods.  I binged, and it was fine, not ideal, but I later started smiling again.

I worked out.  I smiled when my three year old did his cute little tumbling class.  I went shopping and bought 3 shirts for $2.99 and one badass purple upholstered chair for $24.  Brings me joy.  I read my book for one hour+.  I put scented lotion on my dry legs.  Good things have happened today.

It confuses me.  When I feel like this I feel like I don’t “need” him, yet I still on some level, assume that I love him.  My love does not feel tangible.  It feels, um, kind of like a non issue.  Is that because of how hurt I am or is that because when normal, healthy people love- the love isn’t a big deal?  Seriously wondering.

I fear that feeling such radiating joy today means that when I’m not in pain, I won’t need him at all.

In healthy relationships, do people not need each other?  Do they not depend on one another to lift them up?  What is love, then?

***

In other news:

Pros of living without him: My purple chair.  I can redeorate however I want.  Also, next purchase: dog.  If/when I am truly independent of him (read: no longer so outrageously codependent), I will indeed get a dog.  The thought of it now is hard because I know that it would be a deterrent to getting back together with me.  Minor.  He simply dislikes dogs and has never allowed us to get one.  I would like to think it would not be a huge factor in his decision, but who knows.  All I know is that when I am not so worried about “what he’ll think” about every little thing, that is what I will do.  So: sign of truly letting go — getting a dog.  Clearly I’m not near that yet but who knows what time will bring.

***

Out in that store, I looked like the walking dead, literally.  And when I got a glimpse in the mirror out at the store it was a shocking reality check.  Ouch.  I can’t walk around looking like that.  I’m over the hump with my sickness.  Sort of.  Fever gone but still hacking and weak and sore.  But still.  NO excuse for looking pale, dirty, greasy, unkept like that.  Grossed me out.  I’ve NEVER looked that bad.

***

I’ve thought of a new way to convey to people that I can not tell them the details.  I’ve been telling people “he had a secret life that I can’t forgive nor overlook.”  WHAT WAS HE DOING?  ANOTHER WOMAN?  “Well, I don’t really want to go into details.”  BLANK STARE.

So then they end up prodding and I end up giving a litttttle bit more than I want.  Just a little.  I usually admit that it “pretty much” is “another woman.”  Fuck.

Anyways, a better answer is this:  “He had a secret life that I can’t forgive nor overlook.  We tried for a few months and it just can’t happen together and in each other’s faces.  I can not share the details at all though- none of them, because I like you too much.”  WHAT?  “Well, if I tell you, I can pretty much guarantee you will say something to piss me off.  Even if you say nothing.  There’s no win to telling more and I ask just for your support and prayers.  So, it’s hard, blah blah” and then I’m happy to discuss how hurt I am, what I need, what I have, the logistics.   My plan is great.

***

I love the grief recovery handbook.  I LOVE IT.  I have been totally not into anything else I’ve read.  I like the gremlin book a lot, but that is it.  I have bought and tried many others, against my financial judgement.  Really thankful for the Grief Recovery Handbook.

***

I have been spending approx $80 a week on myself.  (!!)  Not including weeks I have therapy every other week.  It will vary, give or take maybe $50 any given week.  I’m going out with girlfriends twice a week, and while I’m one frugal girl, I am splurging.  If he has been spending money on prostitutes and is now spending a cumulative thousands of dollars in therapy, I feel a little okay.  I reserve the use of the word entitled because I think it sounds worse, but damn, I just feel like WHY NOT!  It’s not “that” much, and while we should not be spending more than we NEED, I kind of do NEED to spend this on myself.  My $24 chair brings me smiles every time I see it.

My expensive $27 lunch out with friends the other day was really nice to get out and eat food, and drink drinks, even if it was a splurge and $27 we could have used towards other stuff.  Here we are, me spending money on MYSELF.  What a concept.

Smiling.  Hoping that tomorrow the sun is shining over me again.  I could use another day of smiling and feeling whole.  I know it is temporary, I know it is fleeting and almost a whole day today (minus the binge) is a GIFT beyond belief.  But I’m not afraid to pray for more of these gifts.  The universe is good to me.  It is here for me, it is within me and it loves me.  It will not be easy, but days like today give me thanks.

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