– I don’t want to forget the good times.  Experiences of joy and laughter and togetherness and sweetness really happened.  Whether together or apart but during our marriage, I lived a lot of life in the past 12 years that I have been his wife.  I must hold on to the good times and the happy stuff too, to remember that it has not been a “waste.”  Even a “lie.”  Indeed, there were lots of lies, but there were also lots of beautiful moments.

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/Tell_Your_Children.htm  Maybe this is a perfect middle ground.

when a mom and dad decide to get married, they make a promise to love only each other. Sometimes moms and dads make mistakes and hurt each other. Dad loved another woman in a way that he should have only loved mom. That’s why mom is so sad.” … then go on to explain what is being done to right the situation.
– Whether the prostitutes were out of a place of “addiction” or not really doesn’t matter and I can let go of that hangup.  The fact is is that he made those choices, didn’t do anything to stop himself, get help, didn’t ever confess to me until it came right down the the polygraph wire.  People can debate all day long addiction or not, and while it may explain some, the choice to act sexually with other women was the choice, wehther within the confides of “addiction.”
– I have started reading many books, my favorite is the Grief Recovery Handbook.
– I simply am not ready to let go all the way, and neither is he.  He “visited” the children in “my” house today because he doesn’t have his apartment yet.  He will be “seeing” them every Wed. night, taking them to boy scouts on Mondays, and we will share (he will have more to some degree) weekend time with them.
– Something else insightful that someone told me: “the more he is afraid of the possibility of caring or hurting, the more detached he will behave.  Whether he actually cares or hurts only he can answer”
– and: “And yes, he will become more detached.  He projects his fear of intimacy onto you, to him, you have become a source of danger due to the emotions involved.  His method of dealing with that danger is to withdraw and detach.”
– and another: “The pain and obsession you’re experiencing will change.  My guess is that as you start to move on and rebuild your life, you’ll start to notice more and more how peaceful it has become at home, how relieved you are that you aren’t killing yourself trying to understand his actions, and just overall how much healthy your life has become.  Until it starts to change, yeah it sucks, but I promise it will get better.”
– I want to further think about how I yearn for sex with him when I am hurting the worst.  I find this unsettling.
– Today, he was wonderful.  I told him that I needed to detach from him in order to recover, myself, in order to move on.  He selfishly continued to touch and hold me and love me and call me my sweet nickname.  It was wonderful in a way but not at all what I need in the big picture.  I told him that I was only going to say this one time:
I love you, and if you can recover, I want to be with you.  I’d want to be with you more than anything or anyone else in the world.  But we don’t know if that can happen and I can not hang on your every word.  I need distance.  But I will be yours if you recover.  I don’t know how long I can wait, but this is how I feel right now.  I love you.
I will hold up my promise to not say it again, it’s only reopening my wounds and I don’t need that.  I am not interested in immediately jumping into the dating scene.  I can not imagine nor desire any time soon seeking another man, whether just for companionship, for hot sex, or for a long term relationship.  I know some day I will, the day is likely quite far away.  Until then, the above is true.  I would love to be a family with my soon to be ex husband.
– I am ill.  Flu-like symptoms.  Annoying timing.  Hope it doesn’t get worse.  Praying for a good week, on many levels.  Praying for strength for all of us, thanking the universe for the kindness and support.
– I have been having a REALLY social time with friends.  Wed. girlfriend dates, Fri night dates & Sunday afternoon dates.  I do not think my social calendar has been this full in ages.  Funny how much time frees up when you don’t spend half as much time with your spouse.
And my favorite: Now this is not the end. It is not
even the beginning of the end. but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. –
Churchill
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