this is the worst day of my life.

i feel like everything i know has been shattered and destroyed and i am on the edge of a cliff that is my life.  teetering there not knowing if i can hang on.

seeing my son leap from the couch and grab on to my husband’s neck screaming no.  his mouth deformed in a cry.  it was slow motion.  tears were there ready to come out before he said the words.

we said all the right things.  he said all the right things.  i was mostly quiet.  just there on the side.

10 minutes prior i sat locked in the bathroom waiting.  wondering how this all came down like this.  wondering how my life turned into this mess.  how my kids would react.  never in my worst thoughts did i imagine it would be as bad as it was.  screaming.  screaming at the top of their lungs.

it’s just taking some space.  sometimes grown ups need to take space to figure things out.

we still love each other and we still love you more than anything.  always will, always.

screaming and holding and dragging and pulling.

a fucking nightmare.  and after he left, he texted me of course without emotion.  just the god damn words.  he’s sorry.  oh really, he’s sorry.  that is so mother fucking great, i’m SO GLAD HE IS SORRY.  holy fucking shit i don’t even understand how i’m going to survive this.

my children are alive and healthy and need me.

i raged at him when it began today.  raged.  my throat hurts from screaming.  snot dripping from nose to floor.

all because i drove past the hotel he stayed at when he moved here before us.  the hotel he stayed at when he had free reign to do anything with his time, and when he went back to the whorehouse he used to go to back when he lived here 12 years prior.  the hotel.  reminders of my shattered heart are everywhere.  on the walls of my house.  on my kids faces.  in my closet and on my bathroom counter.  the kitchen, the fridge, the front yard.  driving down the roads we have traveled together.  they are everywhere and i can not escape them.

my kids need me.  i can not let my weakness out because it will take me too far.

i wish i never met him.  i wish i could check out, go away, come back when it’s easier.  there’s no escaping the pain.  you just have to go through it.  but i can’t.

 

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