Last night was weird.  He was on the phone from 7 – 11.  The only time we had to talk was from 6:30 – 7 and then after 11.  He talked to some very  helpful, supportive people.  He also spent a half hour+ on the phone during the day.

I just don’t know what to believe right now.

In some ways I am getting closer and closer to having him leave.

In other ways I see so much potential that I want to be here to encourage him.

We are now using the term “seperated” to describe us.  He is sleeping on the couch every night.  That does not bother me.  It feels good to have some seperation.  It matches the way my heart feels.

I told someone that my relationship with him is like a supportive, loving friend.  With occasional sex maybe.  They pointed out that supportive friends don’t have sex and having occasional sex wouldn’t be helpful to him.  I am starting to see that indeed, I need to be in or out, this one foot out one foot in doesn’t really help him, or me, or anyone.

They said if that’s all you are, supportive friends, then why is he still living with you?  I didn’t have an answer.  I don’t know.  I guess just because I’m not ready to take the next step.

So we were talking from 11 – 11:30 or so.  He broke down, cried, said he was sorry from a deep place.  I put my arm around him.  I cried too.  It was good.  Great really.  I told him I was proud of him.  I am.

He asked if he could hold me.  I said yes.  When he was going to go, he asked if I wanted him to stay.  I didn’t answer and he said he did want to.  I said okay.

He lied next to me, arms around me, spooning up behind me.  I had about five minutes of closeness before the closeness just hurt.  I can’t give so much to him when he gives so little to me.  He’s not giving “nothing” to me but as always, he is giving the bare minimum.  Just drip feeding me enough to survive.

When he asked if we could pray together I said I did not want to pray aloud with him.  He said okay, then he proceeded to not pray aloud either.  He just can’t find himself.  He can’t BE himself because he doesn’t KNOW himself.  Why wouldn’t he simply pray his own prayer?  Why did he need me to pray in order for him to pray aloud like we always do?  A small thing but telling.

In the middle of this, as we are laying there close, out of no where, I suggested a family trip.  Taking the kids out of school to an indoor waterpark a few hours away.  I had never before thought of it.  I didn’t think about it before saying it.  It just spewed out of my mouth.  Why?

He said it sounded great, but then wondered aloud if it was a “last” family thing.  I said no, that that wasn’t what I intended, but maybe it was.  Where did that come from?  It probably would be a last family memory.  Somewhere in my brain I probably knew that, and wanted to give my kids one more memory to hang on to of our family having fun together.  Or maybe if we seperate we’d still be one of those families that does things together?  Is it impossible to move on when people do that?

We also decided that we must tell the kids something is going on.  It will be a hard conversation in my head, but I’ll be positive and warm throughout the actual conversation.  He will lead the conversation.  I feel like even though we are still all here together, the kids MUST KNOW that something is going on.  All the closet doors, afternoon “naps” together and the crying and hugging 100x what it used to be… obvious.  He will take some ownership of causing some mommy-daddy problems.  But we will be united and loving.