My life has been taken over by all of this stuff in my marriage.  Turned upside down to say the least.  Today is a day I am going to  give it LESS attention than I have been.  I’m going to hang with my kids without checking into the forums in between playing with them.  I’m going to exhale and just let it go for a day.

I remember how excited I was when I hit 10,000 words on my  book.  I was making progress and was feeling it.  Then Boom.  Done.  Tried opening it once in January and just went no where.  Can’t go there.  Wish I could.  Going to try again soon.

Friends.

Friends have really come as a total surprise to me through this turmoil.  Some so unexpected.  I remember the first person I told.  L.  She was beautifully supportive.  Strong and grrl power and “don’t stay just because it’s easier.”  Lord it is not easier to stay.  She gives me a lot of space.

J knew all along, she was the first person I told (via text at 1 am) when I found the porn.  The first person I called when he admitted to prostitutes a month later.  I remember that I called her, told her.  Don’t remember what we said, but I remember her saying “I think you’re in shock right now.”  It was a conversation of whispering even though I didn’t need to whisper.  When I hung up with her, I remembe rlooking at my phone and it said: 26 minutes.  I thought- 26 minutes, what?  What did I say?

A few days after I told L, I remember thinking that I needed to tell M & S.  I told M and regretted it immediately.  I still do regret it.  She is so unhelpful, so overbearing and just too too too much.  She means so well and I love her dearly, but she is just not what I need.  I now avoid her a lot because of this.

S, I never told.  She is my other closest friend here but I haven’t brought myself to tell her.  I love having a normal friendship.  ONe where she doesn’t look at me with a sad face and say “so how are things?”  We are just normal.  I love that.

I have also told KG via text, but we are distant, M in Seattle- I told her and she IMMEDIATELY was like: oh, that’s what men do, don’t make a big deal about it, he’s such a good man.  Told her to forget I ever said anything and to take care.  Never talked to her again.

E in chicago has been awesome.  My ex-therapist friend has been there only for maybe 3 or 4 real conversations but is full of awesome every time we talk.  Understanding, supportive, so understanding.  Divorced and with her therapist brain… she is gold.  So much insight.

I’ve told LF via text that a lot is wrong.  She knows there is an “addiction” and a secret life.  I won’t go into details.

MD also knows “addiction” and “secret life” and I won’t go any further with that.  She went through dating with 2 kids and assures me that I’ll be okay.  I know that already.  I’m going out with her and another friend next week for dinner.

MT knows that level also because I wanted a lawyer rec.

SG has been awesome, just helpful in a logistical sense, helping me know where decent apartments/townhomes are.  He was the first already-divorced person I talked to looking for a lawyer.  His ex wife was a fucking bitch to me when I asked her for help.

Wow, when I list it all out, there are a lot of people who know.

I’m pretty committed to getting out and doing something FUN not once but twice a week.  Wed nights I am free from kid running and then once on the weekends.  Even if it is a movie by myself, which I love doing- just something to get out.

The most helpful support though has come from an online community.  One special frind whom I talk to on the phone from it.  So so so much insight, support and understanding.  SO MANY people who have either been here in this situation, or gone through it on the side of the one acting out.  Just other people who are strugging in their marriage, trying to fight for it or having fought for themselves, and finding the best within themselves.

They offer a light that can’t be found anywhere else.  We don’t know each other.  I don’t know where they live, I sometimes don’t even know their real names.  But they offer such beauty, such insight and hope and strength.  Hope and strength for myself.  Not for my marriage, although they aren’t anti-marriage, they simply see the situation for what it is and offer ME strength.  They lift me up when I am down and help me see clearly the path that I am on.

I appreciate that so much.  Those are the people that have essentially changed my life, that have given me a chance at authentic happiness.

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