I wish my husband could do hard things.  Just DO them.  Trust in the universe to take him where he needs to be and just do.

It is so hard for us to be together through this.  I have expectations, I take issue with many small things.  We both need space, we just do.  We love each other and hope to end up together but this is too big, and too hard, and too much to live together through these first steps.

Everything I do throughout the day is focused on him, what message will it send him, what will he think, how will he react, what will it translate to in our process together?

I’m talking about ridiculous things – cleaning the house.  What I make for dinner.  Putting on makeup, dressing nicely, getting out and doing something with the kids, all of this!

It’s not that I am being codependent on him and what I think of myself depends on what he thinks of me, it is more of a “what if this is harmful” or “is this giving false hope” type thing.

If I get beautiful and wear makeup, etc, will he look at me and wonder: oh, she’s doing well – she’s feeling well and looking good, she put in effort, she must feel good about us!

If I leave the house a mess, will he walk in and think: ugh, she’s had an awful day.  She’s unmotivated and depressed.  I did this to her, I’m a bad person.

When really, I can do whatever I want, FOR ME, and I’m fine with that, but here I am, wondering what might be interpreted as what.

Last night I made eggs.  I put some on five plats.  He was touched that I did that.  I think it showed him that I cared for him.  Which of course I do, but  I didn’t mean to send a message of loving family inclusion, I simply put the eggs on the plate.  There’s just too much at stake, too much in every perception.  We need space.  Space will set us free to be our own people, find ourselves, and hopefully, come back together.

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