I’m trying hard to focus on the good things. The fact that I will be okay no matter what. That my children will be happy and balanced and healthy either way and that we would tackle single/seperate parenting really well if it came to that.

I do honestly know that I would be okay no matter what. I think I’d eventually find someone else. I know he would. It would hurt to see him with someone else but as the father of my children I hope happiness for him.

When I think of the “good things” right now one may assume that a good thing is all the great sex I’ve been having with my husband, his efforts, his noticing me, loving me outwardly, his progress. But those barely even register as good things. I wish they could.

Last night was hard. I don’t understand him and I don’t feel like he is fully checked in. He is still reserving himself, still reserving his emotions with me, and that makes it very hard to embrace the good things, even though they are GOOD.

It was hard to hear that he chose, out of a place of CHOICE to start lying to me, he chose to live a secret life, to keep secrets, he CHOSE to start perusing craigslist to find an ethically defunct “massage.” And when she placed her hand on her cock and asked, he chose to say the word yes.

I feel like it’s all a lie, a joke, a ploy to further humiliate and decieve me. This will never go away.

My therapy helped me to see that I have buried it all. That I’m not “choosing” him day after day, it’s more that I have chose to disregard the most hurtful things, and in that, I can “move on” easier but only with certain parts of me, not nearly the whole me.

I feel regret over all of the opportunities I turned down to cheat on him to fulfill myself. Selfish and bad idea but I do. I have come close to seeking out one of those men in the past month. But when it comes down to it, it just isn’t for me. I’d rather just wait this out and see what happens instead of acting out in pain and anger and hurt and then having to deal with my own pain and regret.

This is normally where I’d say “I love him.” But I can’t say that right now. I’m not sure what love is.

Just nothing makes sense to me. I’m trying to be happy. To embrace the improvements and the hope. But I question the improvements and the hope too much to feel genuine happiness. Any happiness is weighed out by regret of wasting my time with him while he lived a secret life of deception and lies and cruel choices. Choices. They were choices.

I no longer believe that prostitutes were an escalation of porn. Not at all. I do not think anything can change that.

Finally, I told him not touch me, sleep on the couch, and take off his wedding ring. I took mine off on 2/11 after he told me about the sex. I locked it up in an off limits chamber of my heart, probably and hopefully never to be worn again. He asked why and I told him that I didn’t want him to feel like he was married to me.

Because he does not deserve to feel like he is married to me. Because I would NEVER choose to be married to him. My marriage was based on a LIE. BASED ON A LIE. Straight up. I’d never choose this life with him, never ever.

(And now, “Try” comes on the radio, which is my song right now.)

I slept alone in my bed for the first time in all of this. Even when he first told me, and even when he returned from the intensive after having told me about the sex with a paid woman, I let him sleep with me. Last night, I could not have him in the same bed. I could not let his skin touch mine, even his hand on my shoulder.

I felt physically disgusted by him. Physically gagging after he left. I was not ill to my stomach like nerves and stress, just pure physical reaction to vile disgust.

I fell asleep easily, only to have a horrendos, graphic nightmare.

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