Therapy today was awesome. I got several bits of gold out of it:
1. My main goal is to release or rid myself of some of the embarassment and shame that I feel in staying with him. She shed a lot of light on this and told me that I needed to get more information from him to releive myself of the fear that IF it happens again I won’t recognize it. My shame and embarassment stem from fear of it happening again (the frequent cheating and prostitutes specifically) and that I will release some of the shame and embarassment and feeling of total stupidity over it.

She said that the way to move forward in this way is by having more information. I need to ask my husband HOW this happened. Yes, it was an addiction. Yes, know that he didn’t think porn was a detriment to our relationship. Yes, the prostitutes were an “escalation” of the porn. But when I ask him point blank about the prostitutes he becomes very tight lipped. All I know is that he saw them during the day and immediately before reffing events.

I need more information. I do not need specific details but I need some logistical clarification.

How did he pay for them? What did he tell me he was doing with his time when he was with other women? If during the day, how did it fit into his work day? Did he know when he kissed me goodbye and left me that he was going to go there to cheat on me- was it that calculated? Did he outright lie to me or just skim over it/change subject? Did he come see me immediately after being with another woman? Did I ever initiate sex with him on a day he’d been with another woman? Is that why he often rejected me sexually, because he’d already had his orgasm of the day and didn’t have anything left for me?

What will these things tell me? They’ll tell me HOW STUPID (or not) I was. I need to know these things because they will tell me how ignorant I was to the cheating. Knowing these things will tell me whether or not I have a chance of recognizing future secrecy, lies and cheating. It will hurt but not all information is more bad than good. This information is necessary. Therapist said that he may not be willing to part with this information, and that he may become detached when conveying it. That will make me angry and we will probably have a bad few days.

I also need to know how it got there and what our relationship looked like surrounding the sex with other women. I need to know what to RECOGNIZE if we start to go down that path again.

I know it is a dark path that is hard to recognize, and that’s exactly why I need some signs to recognize it.

2. We talked about my friendships and how I need to be much more direct and forthright in my feelings with friends. Yesterday and the day before were a nightmare with my friends. I need to clearly lay out that I need them to be supportive and not to be “strong” and give me advice. I don’t really need their advice. I need their friendship. Period.

3. We talked about accountability during the day. If he saw the prostitutes during the day, what is stopping him from seeing them during the day now, like he was up until this past summer? How can he set up obstacles to make it less easy for that to happen? She pointed out that while the whore houses may have been an escalation from decades of porn, it does not mean he can’t go back straight to the prostitutes. He likely still can recall the dopamine/adrenaline rush he got from going there, and because of that, it is entirely, entirely possible that he could go straight to it some day in a moment of premediated or unexpected weakness.

4. We talked about my food issues and how I may have “chosen” him because I could sense that he was inclined to be detached, and that his detachment would enable me to forever be controlled by food. Therapist said she’d like to dig deep and go way back to understand why it started, in that, we will learn the keys to stop it. I’m in.

5. She said we need more communication and transparency in finances. I can see that this is true.

Excellent session.