I am tired of the constant search for therapists. He tried his third therapist this morning. This guy, therapist of the month, says he needs 2 or 3 appointments as the “intake appointment.” And he’s not negotiable on the rate. It just tires me out. Between H2H, travel, his therapists, my therapist, his group and phone and follow up with Weiss therapies, by the fall we’ll be five figures into various therapies. It TIRES.ME.OUT.
It also exhausts me when therapists are not aggressive with him. He rambles a lot about things that really are not that relevant. I remember with therapist #1 my husband told a story about how he almost got a dog, didn’t want a dog, thought I wanted a dog, considered getting a dog, wanted to surprise us with a dog, thought about a dog, realized he didn’t really want a dog, thought it was just “nice guy” wanting to get me a dog. Just an example of rambling. Therapists need to direct him like Weiss did. Tell him what’s relevant and whats not. I know that it is “nice” for my husband to want to just conversationally TALK to someone, that’s great and wonderful, but not when it’s $120++ an hour to tell stories. Yes, the stories shed some light on our issues but there are much more efficient ways to roll. Tires me out. Have I mentioned that?

My husband broke down in front of this mornings therapist and sobbed in front of him.

He can not do this with me. It bothers me. It hurts me actually.
He knows this, and wishes he could feel it with me but he really can’t.

I think this is perhaps due to 1. fear of “pointing out” the badness that has happened (as if I don’t know it every hour of every day already, but he doesn’t want to bring it back into light because he is so used to keeping it so deep inside him secretly…) 2. fear of looking like he cares, which for some reason, he simply wants to keep from me. He refuses to build me up and heping me realize how much he does love me. 3. being scared of me/my reaction.

When he references his parents, he cries immediately, he can open right up. Why does he have this wall up with me? Why can’t he open up with me? I’m growing exhausted.

Weiss says that getting an therapist post H2H isn’t needed. That the best value will lie in group therapy talks, in the daily exercises and work, and in communication with me. Great, but no where in all of that is there help in opening up to me. Maybe later in the workbooks there will be? I don’t know. I just know that I’m tired. We don’t have a lot of evening time to give up to begin with. He has 2 long therapy nights a week. I have no support group, and want one. That will be a third night, we can’t pull this off. Now he’s adding in day time therapy with this “2 – 3 sessions as the intake session” bullshit. Jesus christ, give me a fucking break.

Frustrated that everything just has to be so god damn hard. Frustrated that he can’t “just love me” and be real with me, frustrated that he can’t have his own opinions and feelings and share them with me. So frustrated that somehow, he still refuses to build me up, that he still WITHHOLDS love and praise and desire from me. Dropping my dress and being ignored is exactly still that. Withholding. It’s more than being distracted by setting out his fucking clothes- that is bullshit x 200.

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