I don’t have much to say because I don’t know what I think. About anything.
Everything is confusing, yet everything is as clear as it needs to be.
I must do something. It feels too wrong, deeply wrong, to stay and not “do” anything.
Everyone tells me to wait. Not to react too soon. That I need to wait until the dust settles. It has been settling for long enough. It started settling after I found out about the porn addiction in December. The prostitutes, that’s just a detail. A big, painful, nightmarish one, but once I knew he had been seriously neglecting me for 10 years while jerking off to porn, that pretty much says it all.
Sticking his dick inside hookers is it’s own problem, but both indicate a severe severe lack of respect, love, and interest in me, stemming from his own problems.
Not me, not my problem, but my problem by proximity. Which is why I can’t just sit and be patient and do nothing.

No one really understands… that I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want things to stay the same. I can’t have no consequence for the neglect and prostitutes. I can’t smile through it and support him like some people say. I can’t leave him in the dust and never look back like other people say. I can’t “wait it out” like most people say. I can’t do anything, yet I can’t do nothing. Which is probably why people say “you don’t need to decide now.” I know I don’t need to but it is me to want to.

I am impulsive and like to take action. I know that this is not a great thing, yet I accept that it is me and always have. Lean into it. I’m not being impulsive in this, no divorce has been filed yet and it’s been TWO WEEKS. Impulsive me would have done it two weeks ago. But here I am, being sure that whath I am doing is what I should be and want to be doing. For ME, not all these religious assholes that think I just need to support HIM and wait for HIM and support HIM some more. I’m in it for me, now. Yes, I love him, but the strange thing is that I need ME, to survive and to ultimatly, be happy.

Know your worth. I know mine. And he doesn’t. Or hasn’t.

We will be divorcing, but since I love him, and I love our family, despite hating what he has DONE, I still choose him. It is just a matter of choosing the process and the time to file.

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