I wish people would stop comparing my problems to their problems. They all mean well. Their intent is either to 1. Be strong and angry FOR me or 2. Support my cheating husband.
So, that’s great and all that they have good intentions but for the love of god, it is not helpful.

It is not helpful when I am consciously checking in to my marriage, day after day choosing to be with my husband and work on our own mental health and stability and our relationship, to be reminding me of how mad I should be or why I “could” leave him if I wanted to. Do they think I don’t know that??? I’m kind of living it.

I know I have a pass to leave him if I so desire. I know it’s one of the most legitimate passes that there is. But here I am, choosing to be with him, so just let me. Support THAT decision, instead of constantly reminding me that every good thing he does is one decade too late, every thoughtful thing that I feel good about is too bad it had to come after twenty prostitutes, every hope I feel is “great, just too bad it took this to reach the good parts.” Yeah, I get it. I know he fucked me over and hurt me beyond belief. I don’t need to be reminded of that CONSTANTLY.

Likewise, despite choosing to be with him today, IT STILL HURTS that he lied and cheated frequently and frequently somoe more over the past eleven years. So how about if we do NOT take his side so clearly and strongly. How about if my friends can support me and his support people can support him?

YES, I am choosing him, and supporting ME through that is lovely. But I need not be told that I’m “so lucky” to have him or that my husband is “more committed” than her husband and that he has “so many amazing traits.” YES, HE DOES. That’s why I am fucking here and not in divorce court yet. Let’s keep shit real. I’m not actually lucky one mother fucking bit. He is not more committed than the neighbor across the street just because he is more assertive than him, and yes, he does have many amazing traits, but that does not make it okay to fuck me over.

These people do mean well. I get it. They are trying to be strong and offer insight that they probably think I need. BAnd the best support has come from two unexpected people. One acquaintance has been the perfect combination of support and strength and uplifting hope. One new phone friend that I’ve never even met in person has given me the most insightful and supportive analogies and gives me genuinely useful advice, when I ask for it. Those people are not telling me that I’m “lucky” to have him (fuck me.) They aren’t telling me that “he’s going through the harder stuff than I am.” They aren’t telling me “gee, that’s great that he’s doing good right now, can’t wait to see how long it lasts this time.” Can we all just be kind. Just- kindness. Compassion.

It is kind of like how you have to watch what you say when someone loses a baby. All the stupid things you hear about that are SO HURTFUL and ignorant. I guess there are things in any big life situation that are hard to talk about without being offensive in talking around. I don’t know.

I haven’t told many people. Just 3 in-real-life friends. Hindsight is always so much clearer, I wish I didn’t even tell some them. It is hard to discern in the moment how supportive people will be before you know. I told husband that I’m sure if I told twenty people, at least one would be the kind of support that I need, but am I going to do that, of course not. So in the mean time I’ll just live with my annoyance and try to redirect these annoying people to just forget about it.

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