So so so so so much has happened in the past few days. SO much.

As I was putting my sweet Baby down tonight I just felt this outpouring of love for him, as I often feel. I then had a moment of pride, I felt so glad that I had such a capacity for love and outward expression of love. Giving and giving and giving of myself with minimal/nothing in return really did not break me. I’m broken now in some ways but…. yeah, maybe not really. Hurt, but not broken. This has not ruined me. It has ruined many moments/hours/days, but it has not stolen a piece of my soul.

I felt empty and barely alive yesterday, that is the only way to describe it… although yesterday at the gym was amazing. It was incredible to be in my BODY instead of in my HEAD. To feel the weight and to deal with it. To have a physical being that was so heavy instead of invisble pressure on my heart. Just really good.

Today. I’m unshowered, barely hair combed, barely teeth brushed since Sunday afternoon when he left. Kids got home from school, talking about the day from my nest on the couch and my child references conferences tonight. I sprint up, jump up the stairs, throw in some earrings and put my greaseball hair in a droopy greasy bun, brush my teeth adn put on some eyeliner… all while (gulp) talking to Weiss and husband about the “moving forward plan.” It was not ideal. I dropped that ball, as I’ve dropped quite a few the past several months. I was listening to the phone 40% and dealing with the kids/my stuff 60%. Still, it was wonderful. Great conversation, I was too distracted to get closure out of the final conference call, but great nonetheless.

Some friendships have grown deeper the past few days. Some surprisingly so and some expected and so craved. My best friend is amazing. She has been through similar situations with different details and she can relate so wholly. A new friend has been amazing on the phone. Some friends have been amazing in little tidbits via text. I am totally struck by the compassion and love of people for a friend in need.

My husband has ruined a lot of memories for me. I have taken down some family photos because it hurts me to wonder or think: maybe he fucked a hooker that night or the day before. It hurts irrationally like a lot of things hurt. I’ve taken off my wedding rings, I did a few days ago and it just feels more authentic. I’m not giving myself back to him until he starts to prove himself to me.

I know it will hurt him, and I accept that. I am not doing thing TO hurt him, and things that will comfort me WILL hurt him, but that is not my problem at this point. I’m in survival mode. I’ve been an amazing mother to my kids last night and today. Somehow I just turned it on, I guess because that’s what moms do. I’ve been looking at job opportunities and exploring day care options and other ways I could financially survive.

The man I talked to that was my husband was nothing like the husband I know. He spoke differently, he sounded different. He said different words. It was almost kind of textbook-ish, but I know it is a repitition of what he has been hearing, that has been gloriously drilled into his head.

I am certain that I am not serving divorce papers in the next week. Beyond that, one day at a time. Time will tell what happens. In some ways I believe in him and in some ways I can not believe anything that has to do with him. I told him earlier that I love him and it made him cry more than he already was.

I do love him- I always will. I love him as the father of my children, as a person doing the best he can, and for the man he could be but has yet to discover. I love him for supporting me and loving me as best he could, even if it was flawed. The hurt is more than the love, and the hurt will always be there- always. Just like the love will always be there. Some day, maybe the hurt will be less than the love… but I know know that either way, I will be okay.

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