We had many words today before he left. He cried for the first time, a real cry, for the first time. He had “cried” before but today he CRIED.
I was proud of him and in light of the deception and betrayal, him sobbing brought me the smallest sliver of hope.

I need him to be in touch with his feelings, to cry, to be real, instead of his usual guarded and nice.

When he posted something on the MM website about “now she has to figure out stay with me or go for the divorce” and she’s so strong I’m so lucky she’s so amazing I’m such an asshole… I promptly came downstairs to him where he was on the couch for the night. I told him to cut the shit and get real. not to talk about shit like it is nonchalant and no big deal. Not to make it into a pretty picture of hope and strength. It would be nice if it were all about hope and strength, and he leaves out the real part, the REAL part that has killed part of my soul.

I could not handle his selective telling of our situation, I just don’t understand how this has happened. How I’ve been living with a man who had had this secret life of frequent prostitutes. At this point, it is “every other month” and we all know that’s not reality.

How out of touch I must be with finances. Hookers in hotel rooms on business trips disguised as “massages.” Whore houses disguised as massage parlors, where you can order what you’d like. Happy ending after massage, blow job, sex. Who knows, maybe they did kinky stuff too. There is too much that I know, it is enough.

No matter what happens, if I can somehow continue to see his face and live with him, no matter what happens I will never love him fully and never trust him fully again- I know for certain. There is not much I know for certain right now, not much at all. Yet here I am, positive that my love and trust will never return. I don’t want it to. This is unforgivable.

I gave up a 60k+ job to move here. A job that I can’t return to. I gave up my community of real friends, best friends. I have no income. No money of my own. An old car that might not have long until more expenses come up. No real friends here. My best support is my best friend in our old home, 7 hours away. I have no reliable family nearby. Nothing. I have nothing but my family. “We” have money to live but not a ridiculous excess of it. What will I be left with if we were to seperate- emptiness, lonliness, seperate parenting. I would step it up as always for the children. It would hurt though. What kind of job could I find with child care costs and an uncertain market for my profession- I’d have to get a regular job maybe 30 or 40k. I just don’t know.

It’s too much. That is my fallback sentence. It’s just too much. It’s irrepairable, it’s too much. I love him. I have always loved him and trusted him and I gave myself fully to him. Fully. He ruined me.

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