maybe the infidelity in 2003 was a set up. maybe it was a set up to show me how heartbroken he was, broken down sobbing and destroyed in front of me, begging and pleading to keep him, to give him another chance. the remorse and apologies and FULL ON behavior of breaking down completely made me truly believe that if he ever cheated again he certainly couldn’t handle it, wouldn’t keep it to himself. the guilt was too severe.

he had no need or reason to tell me about that infidelity outside of relieving his own guilt. he told me out of selfishness, because he felt bad.

but it set the stage for everything, so early in our marriage. two therapists after IC with me and some joint sessions advised me to “let go” of my fear and distrust as much as I could because they could see as well as possible, that he was never, ever going to do that again. basing it on his emotional reaction and severe remorse.

then to learn that he has cheated so so so much- i’m shocked, utterly shocked. maybe it was a plan to get me to trust him, to not think he is capable of such horribleness, and be ‘able’ to do it.

***

he just doesen’t get it. he doesn’t get that this is it. he’s still closed up, telling me what i want to hear and doing what he thinks i want. he is still in his head, and not in his body. he is feeling words but not feelings. he is crying and shaking but it is on the surface only, it does not go deep. he is not deeply troubled by this, and if he really is, he is denying the severity of it inside his body.
this is the time to break down and open up and feel. if he can’t do it now, he never will be able to.

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