I am turning my life over to the universe, to the god or gods or wise angels guiding us all. I know nothing and I have nothing in my soul.

This is where people say “At least you have your kids” and yes, at least I do have my kids, but it isn’t helpful or healing or insightful or anything.

I wish that my soul could curl up and go into hiding, my body could keep going without the pain, could go through the motions without the pain. I wish I could be absorbed into the earth for a year and wake up and see what has transpired for my feelingless body.

I would give up the joys to get rid of the pain. It just isn’t worth it. It’s too much for me. Tooo much pain. I’m not that strong and I can’t be. I can’t go on not having the strength. I want to do the right thing but there is no right thing to do. There is no answer.

I am not suicidal. I would never harm my children. I will manage to go through the motions, numb and jumpy and without an appetite. I know worse things can happen in life.

I talked to a new friend tonight. She said some very hopeful, uplifting things.
Think of this like a cancer. Today is the day he goes to get it removed. When he comes home he will have experienced a lot and will have a lot more pain and work to get better.

Saying he’s sorry doesn’t take away my pain nor change the fact that he hurt and betrayed and lied and deceived me. It’s like if you accidentally break someone’s arm, and apologize- no matter how sincerely, their arm is still broken, still hurts, and has to heal. No matter how bad you feel about it, what’s done is done.

I could just decide one day at a time, or even one hour or one minute at a time whether I trust him. Some days I may, some hours I may not, some minutes I may, other minutes I may not. All that matters is the right now. Right now, I don’t trust him. Today, I do not trust him. Tomorrow, I probably will not, but the future is always uncertain. The day after that, I probably will not. But I might. Or maybe in 8 months I might. Or maybe 3 years, I might. Any day of any year, I could feel trust. This also applies to feeling in love with him.

Lastly, she pointed out something obvious that hadn’t really clicked with me before. Whether I stay or go, what’s done is done. If I leave him, it does not change what he did to me. This is forever a part of my past, whether I move on with him or I leave him.

Good words. Smart woman.

**

He left a note in an envelope on my pillow. I saw it when I put the kids to bed. I didn’t read it fully because a friend was here and I had to get back downstairs but I had to tear into it right away. I was disappointed. I understand the gesture of leaving me an apology note but he is downplaying the fact that he hired prostitutes for sex. It was mostly about “sorry I’ve lied, sorry I’ve hurt you, I will be better, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.” It almost offends me. Those words mean nothing. Why does it offend me- maybe because the fact that he THINKS they might make me feel better is just so so so so far from reality.. it stings to have that in my face.

He needs to step up to admitting and saying the words. HE HIRED PROSTITUTES FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. WHORE HOUSES disguised as massage parlors. Where you go up and order what degree of sex you want that night.

There is no recovery from that. It would help heal me if he would say it and lay it out there, but nothing would really make it any easier. Nothing.

**

When I wake up in the morning, I will give myself to the universe once again. Ask for strength to survive my pain and strength to get through the day.

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