ever since last wed., i haven’t slept. i sleep 3 hours at a time, never more. not in the past 5 days. 10 – 1, 12 – 3, 1 – 3:30… horrible.

he is going away today and gone until thursday. using a week of vacation. he deserves to be whole and to forgive himself and love himself no matter what. i wish happiness for him. i dread being without his help and support around the house. not just this week but if we seperate, forever.

this lack of sleep is going to hit all at once and i am going to be non functional. i lie here for hours trying to fall back to sleep but i can not. sometimes these past days feel like a dream. A thick fog.

He left, is waiting in the airport as I type. My life feels destroyed.

Over the past 50 or so days since I discovered his frequent porn/masturbation problem/prostitution website, whenever we talked about it he always said he is so sorry, that he had no idea masturbation was tied to a low drive for real sex. That was always what he said, and in my usual naive state, I was understanding. Heck, he had stoppped porn entirely, and it was logical what he said. Always saying that he masturbated frequently to be able to be MORE sexual, when in fact it was making him less sexual.

This reasoning- the explanation of “I didn’t know it was harmful to our real sex life, to being able to relate intimately to you…”

How does that make me feel now? Another huge lie. Because surely he DID KNOW that going out and going to the bank and getting cash for a hooker and driving to the whore house and ordering up what kind of sex he’d like was indeed *not helpful* to our relationship. Surely he may have realized that fondling some other woman’s breasts, and who knows what else, while getting a blow job wasn’t actually a good idea for his marriage, especially since his wife had an extremely high sex drive and frequently complained of wanting sex more often.

There are just no words for this level of betrayal, this level of pain and hurt and fear.