I am ashamed of my stupidity. I know I should not blame myself but why have I not had my eyes open?
My children and I will now suffer because of my ignorance and stupidity.
I asked him why he begged and pleaded for another chance back when I filed for divorce in 2005. Why he didn’t just let me divorce him.
I wish he did.

He said that when we were seperated (it was maybe a month or so), that he “briefly” considered going out and trying to find someone else. But then decided against it and just settled for frequent masturbation.
I found it loathsome to tell me this. As if deciding against it would be a ++ for him? Oh, gee, you didn’t go out and find someone else the minute your wife asked you to move out because of your own actions, thanks.

I am beside myself with hurt. I handed my heart to him. Tender and beautiful and whole. We rebuilt my heart, we rebuilt my trust after his infidelity 10 years ago. I gave myself to him fully, my body, my breath, my unrestricted LOVE.
He has been cheating on me, frequently and recently and frequently some more. With prostitutes. Touching them in ways he would not touch me. Asking things of them that he refused to ask me.

I am broken. I don’t understand how I will go on, how I will get through this.
I love this man so much even though he hurts me so very badly. It makes me feel like an idiot. Because any strong, intellegent, capable woman would be kicking him out right now. Cheating on me frequently and paying for sexual favors? Paying to fondle other breasts and who knows what else? It makes me feel like a fucking chump. The dumbest level of dumb. Why would any woman stay with this man?

I feel love for him. I feel more pain and hurt than love, but the love is still there.

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