Lots came of it but the main thing is this. These, of course, are his requests, helped guided by the counselor. But totally him.
He asks that I believe in him, fully and without a shred of doubt.
I must believe in him. I must believe in us.
I must not baby him. I must be direct and compassionate but without doubt or uncertainty.

No more “I’m so sorry to do this to you.” No more “Is this too hard for us, is it worth it?” No more “Maybe this just isn’t worth it?” No more “How much more can you handle, I’m so sorry.” No more “I feel so bad honey, are you sure you want me to keep this up?”

NO OPTION to quit, no option for doubt, no option for failure.

I must be in his corner cheering him on instead of doubting him.

OF COURSE.

It is so obvious.
Instead of “How much more can we handle?” I must say “I know this is hard but you’ve got this. You’re getting it and doing it and are going to keep getting it and doing it!”

It is all so obvious, and I feel stupid admitting that I was saying these wrong things, making it seem harder and “worse” than it is. Everyone deals with marriage hurdles. Not all the same. Not all to the same degree of “hard” but we ALL deal with things that are VERY HARD to us individually. I must have faith and trust him. I must set him up for success and EXPECT success.

We must both let go of our fear. I fear that it is too hard, that he can’t handle all of this, that he will leave me because this work and the hurt isn’t worth it. I have never feared him leaving me until all of this, and it has hit me hard. My anger and rage comes from a place of fear, very obviously. I’m not a scared girl. I’m brave and confident and smart. But then I’m not so much these past several weeks. I’m terrified that my expectations are too high, that it’s not realistic to get back the man I married. BUT IT IS. That was the real him. This is a scared him. He can and is getting himself back to whole.

He fears me leaving him over not trusting him, over his infidelity 10 years ago. He fears now, that I will leave him over this.
I have told him I’m not. I have told him I forgive him for the infidelity, but it didn’t matter then because I’d held on to the fear for too long. He couldn’t go back then. I held on to it for so long because he never came back. He never one day was himself again after that. It’s been ten long years.

And last, he asked me to please not “test” him for a while. That as long as I am aware and can help it, to not test him. I understood this and agreed.

This week he is signing me back on at his gym to help me get out of the house. Goal of meeting some other women during mom-time at the gym. I’m choosing to have a positive attitude about it.
Also this week I am writing down in my own handwriting on lined paper all of the things that I have feared and have anger about. The burning will commence before he leaves for Colorado. I’m going to watch it burn.
Watch the hours of my thoughts and tears and handwriting burn away. I’m going to say goodbye to the things I’ve been angry about for a decade, the things I fear that I need not fear any more.

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