It has been a horrendously tulmultous few days. So many tears, so much guilt, shame, sadness.
I have taken to frequent vomiting from stress. My body just starts coughing and then vomit comes up, very much like vomit is normal with a cough. It is gross and a little alarming at how much of a not big deal it is to my body. I was crying so hard and he was holding me and talking to me trying to calm me down that I told him I couldn’t hear him, to stop it, stop trying to help me, that I didn’t deserve any help, that I couldn’t listen to him anyways.

So much has happened in a few days, none of it life altering, much of it very “normal” yet so troubling, so very upsetting to me.

My IC the other day was eye opening and disturbing and unsettling. To be told- and to understand- that I am very much a part of our problems far more than I realized, it hurt me so so deeply.

Manipulative. Demanding. Controlling. Isolated. Done out of my own guilt, shame, dissatisfaction with life. Taking out all of my dissatisfaction on him. The balloon is full of things that make me unhappy and he is the pin coming to pop it. That there’s nothing actually wrong with the pin. There is nothing wrong with Him. He isn’t doing anything wrong, he is just doing what he does, it is ME, me me me that is causing my own unhappiness.

Well sure. Of course. I am to blame for my own happiness (lack thereof) in life but I did not choose my punishment of neglect from my husband. I would never have chosen this. I would have chosen something much easier if I needed to punish myself subconsciously.

I have tremendous self esteem issues. I feel worthless, I always have. That is why I have done all that I have in life. I project an extremely healthy self esteem, I feel great about how I LOOK, at least I act like I do. But deep down, I am lonely, sad, empty. I am without friends, without places, without love. Without being wanted, without anyone lifting me up or building me up, and not lifting myself up. I am a giver, an over-giver who does not expect anything in return, so I get nothing in return. I expect nothing because I feel unworthy.

I act out towards him (and others) out of my own hate for myself.

Him and porn. That’s his thing. He probably couldn’t feel close to me.

So here I am, working to make him show me love, show his desire for me, but what if it isn’t there? What if he can’t show it not only because he’s too deep in Nice Guy but because he does not desire me to begin with. Because what is there to desire? If I can’t love myself, why should anyone else love me?

I’m not a religious girl.
But this is what one great friend wrote me. I told her I was having a really hard time. She knows I am struggling in marriage but has no clue what has happened or why I am having a hard time.
“I’m sorry. I love you. Remember you have great worth. Your past does not define you. Forgiveness is more to do with freeing yourself from expectations of others than forgiving the other person.”
“Every day when I get up I pray that god will help me lower my expectatinos from others to 0. I propose every morning that I will not place demands on others to respond like I want them to, or do what I want.”
I pray every day that I will choose to do right even when I feel disappointed or hurt by others. That I won’t place demands or expectatinos of my husband to fulfill my wants/needs.”
“It is hard. I have faith in Christ so I do it for him. If I don’t feel like doing something my husband should do, I do it for Christ and do not hold it against my husband. It doesn’t mean I won’t talk to him and share my heart about how I could use his help in that way, but I don’tplace any expectation that it will change, I just love the good thiing sin him and cover the annoying or bad things in love.”
“I fail miserably at times but each day I wake up and propose to do it an do my best, for Christ.”
“You are not alone. No one has perfect marraiges, no one. Everyone struggles with hurts and forgiveness and loving others well. It is super hard.”

I believe in the power of prayer to the universe and I pray every day. I may not pray to the same “Christ” as others, but I pray to the world, for the world. I pray to whatever it is that can help me. I pray when I lie in bed at night falling asleep, I ask the universe for strength to make myself a good person, to help my husband and children to better and stronger than I am. To be the best versions of themselves. And for me to love myself and love them the way that they deserve.

I feel worthless and must overcome that.

IC said that I need a bigger circle. Encouraged me to have my own life. My life can’t be within Husband’s life, I must have my own. I feel this and have felt it for a while. I feel it urgently now.

It is hard to get out of my head, hard to stop the excuses, because the excuses are based in reality.

It is real that I can’t go out and get a just for fun part time job because my cost of babysitting would be a financial deficit. It is real that I can’t get a job 2 or 3 nights a week because no place will likely hire me from my hours of 9 till midnight a few weeknights. These things are choices, that sound like excuses.
I choose to put my kids first. I choose to be available to them in the evenings when they are here and awake. I choose to be with my husband at least 4 nights a week and go to bed together. I choose to go to sleep by midnight or 1 am so that I am functional the next day. I choose to not go further into financial deficit by paying $10/hr for babysitting when I drive somewhere to work for $10/hr pre-tax. If those are my priorities and my choices, where does room for part time work or a group or class fall in? I am not willing to give up any of those things. The only option left is a job where I can take them during the day but that does not interefere with infant’s nap time (doesn’t exist!) or to go to the gym and take them during gym day care hours (not interested.)
The gym does not inspire me, it does not feel great. I love working out at home with my barbell and punching bag. I am GOING to try this anyways though. Just to get out I guess. I don’t have high aspirations, but I realize that my attitutde is the problem.
It is so much work to get up and out and to the gym and in and out and back home and and and. I hate going out in this 10 degree weather with my tiny baby and crazy toddler. I shall try it I suppose because there are no other options that I can see.

I looked at meetup.com and joined it. I found a few groups that I’d enjoy getting together with but again do not have high hopes there either.

Baby is up. I had more to ramble about but must wait.

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