again, don’t really recognize myself. don’t know who i am, where i am going or what i am doing. don’t know why i am resorting to childish behavior of such temper tantrums, crying thru it because i fully am aware that i don’t want to behave like that.

i don’t know why i am resorting to very very old bad habits that make me think i’m taking away the pain.

i feel like i have more “nice” issues than i ever realized. i’m so angry and hurt and destroyed inside in some moments yet i can’t BE that mad at him.
he told me he wants me to hit him. human on human violence doesn’t seem like the answer. i don’t think he GETS it.

i don’t think that he GETS that seeing him being so loving and amazing – while exactly what i’ve always dreamed of, STINGS like a mother fucker because it shows me he COULD HAVE DONE IT ALL ALONG if he’d chosen to.
why didn’t he?
why would this time be different?

we discussed this last night. it’s kind of like religion. believe in something you can’t see and don’t really know but you CHOOSE to believe in it 100%. i don’t KNOW he will continue on this path. i can’t KNOW the future, can’t know that he will continue to be engaged in life, in our relationship, but i can trust that what i choose to believe will be true.

it is hard, because history repeats itself. it always has and always will, in the bigger picture of real world stuff. we are part of that, so it is hard not to be skeptical.

i just feel lost.
i’m either all in or all out. why is there no grey? why have i never had any grey in life?

mourning the old husband i used to know and love… i get it. he is gone, which is GOOD but it holds so much hurt too.