Lots of topics… just a bunch of little things on my mind.

I realized it has been over one month since the big porn discovery. Since everything changed. Since his “I don’t have any secrets from you and I don’t ever want any” all got fucking turned upside down. Since it became clear that I can not trust ever the simple things. That is the point of husband 1.0 and 2.0. You’re not supposed to let past issues/infidelities/emotional and intimate neglect define current husband. 1.0 was hurtful, dishonest, unkind, neglectful, never emotionally present, not checked in, never engaged, going through the motions, ignoring me asking for sex, cringing at the mention of sex, denying sex with “Too tired”, needing a physical space between us while hugging, everything that made me literally quite miserable for the past 10 years. That was husband 1.0. Now, he is supposedly changing. And hell yes he really IS changing. He is Husband 2.0. I must separate the two, otherwise how will I ever trust that this is real, and not just ANOTHER cycle?
The thing is, why should I trust anything? I cried the other day because of exactly that. No matter how good things have turned, how happy I feel and how fulfilled and loved I feel, how can I trust it? I want to. I choose to believe in us, belive in him. But unfortunately— not all the way. The smart me, the wise woman inside takes over and says: this has been happening for a decade. 10 years of checking in for a few weeks or a month or so. When will I truly be able to believe it? If he keeps it up for what- a year? Why do I need to set a timeline on when I can trust, why can’t I just *trust now* that this happiness this love is real?
I have just been hurt too much.

The sexy thing he bought me is so pretty and sexy and perfect. I decided to hang it up. Which led me to hang up all of my sexy things. I have SO.MANY hot little things for bed, sexy sets, so much from victorias secret, some from our first year of marriage—– then I have more “cute” panties than any woman should ever own. and it told me something. I have been trying for years. I HAVE lost myself in trying to help him find me.
I have been doing so much- so fucking much day in and day out, wearing bras that were not comfortable but were hot- in hopes that maybe if he saw me undress and I walked back and forth to the closet/bathroom enough times he might look up and see me prancing around yearning to be noticed. But no. He never did. So I kept buying more, with money I didn’t need to be spending. I probably have over $800 of this.
All of which was NEVER.NOTICED. EVER.
It hurts.

Sometimes when I walk down the stairs and he is down here, I get a pit in my stomach that I might walk in to him jacking off to porn. I know it won’t really happen (I think I know that, but what I know is essentially nothing.) I think of how often it probably WAS happening before when I went downstairs long after he went to bed. I always think of one specific time that he literally threw his phone off to the side. I caught the end of it. But being the naive asshole that I am, I was just like “awww blah blah, what were you doing” never looking at the state of his cock, just being a dumb fucking girl.

I think of how long ago I could have ended the charade. I wish I did. I remember finding MMSL and reading it and just melting inside at what I read. I had never been to the forum. Then once there, I just decided to lay it out there and ask for help with my husbands lack of desire for me. And boom- everyone is like, porn, affair, porn, affair, prostitutes, porn, prostitutes, affair, etc. And I broke down and did what I”d never done or never thought to do. I remember grabbing his phone and making it click when I slid the thing. He moved. I hadn’t unplugged it and was right next to him. The history was clear, just like his laptop was clear earlier. I knew something was wrong. I clicked around and found some other settings and saw it all. I unplugged it, went downstairs and took photos and videos of what was on his phone. I thought I’d need them as proof. Then I couldn’t take it. I had to wake him up. What else was there, sit and wait and see what else I could learn? What about love? What about helping him, helping US, repairing us. I sound like a fucking idiot. Some women would never stand for this. Why do I?
I think I have deep issues, I portray a confidence and a very healthy self esteem but I must not have any self esteem to let a mean treat me like that for so long and still let him continue to play me (or “try to change” depending.) I don’t get it. I don’t get anything and I don’t trust myself.

I need my own therapy and hope I can find someone to work with me. We have our first therapy appt with a new guy on Friday morning bright and early. This Saturday is our wedding anniversary. Year 11.

Yesterday when he walked in the door from work the man looked GORGEOUS. He looked so put together fresh haircut, sexy shirt buttoned and tucked in to good pants and nice shoes. I missed him with his coat on but he looked smoking hot. I told him this. I fear I gave him a complex about not looking good. I told him that the only real “issue” is bad jeans, with bad shoes, with tucked in polo shirt and belt, with horrible coat. He just smiled. Keeping it real. He looks good when he wants to. He knows that.

Last night I referenced my blog (which I asked him not to read, for his own benefit.) He told me he read it once, and didn’t go far back. I think he reads it more than once and I think he did go far back. I feel like it’s a trickle truth lie. Why not just tell me?

Last night we had mediocre sex. It was honestly the first time the sex was not mind blowing. I attribute this to lack of good kissing. Lack of building up any real desire in me. I was too cold. Temperature-wise and intimacy. I maybe just felt like snuggling and caressing…? Which might have led to better sex. But he didn’t warm me up, it was all just very mediocre. I still had two “fine” orgasms. Not mind blowing. Plus, he has not been staying in me until he cums. Several of the past few times he has pulled out and I finish manually. He says he “gets tired” and I’m not good on top unless he still does the work from the bottom….. but he is “getting tired” sooner and sooner, so I’m not sure what is going on. It makes me anxious that he is not liking staying in me for some reason. I want that semen to go inside me, not just be wasted. It is kind of a “mehr-mehr” for me when we stop P in V and go to manual finish for him. I also worry that he isn’t as into it and here we go- straight downhill from here. That’s me, being fused with 1.0… I know. It is hard to let go of the history.

This morning it was 1 degree. Winter has finally arrived. He texted me telling me not to leave house today, that only excuses to leave house were for urgent care/dr. or to pick up big boys from school. I like it when he tells me what to do and tells me things to keep me safe and comfortable. My heart throbbed a little extra when I read that and I let him know.

He watched wrestling last night. I think it was the first time he watched it since this all went down. It feels “normal.” Before that, we’d use every single opportunity to “talk” or “talk” or “talk” or have sex. But normal life 1.0 was watching wrestling 8 – 11 every Monday. He was in bed with me at 9. I was cleaning my closet from 8 – 9 while he did my business taxes and then came to bed. It was fine. Him doing something “normal” did not mean he is going to ignore me sexually. The world continued to turn.

One of the first things I told 2.0 was that I wanted him to stop keeping himself busy constantly. Relax on the fucking dishes. I can do them. He eats fast, then gets up and runs to the sink to do the dishes, then does the laundry, then vacuums, then takes out the garbage… I’m joking. But he does run to the dishes and I want him to sit with us and finish dinner. And after that, I want him to be present. Not check out by doing some mundane household tasks. Engage the children, listen to them, talk to them, see what they’re doing, play with them. And he has been doing so good with this. I think he enjoys it. It’s got to fill someone up to enjoy your kids like that.

The dishes sit. I do them eventually.
The past few meals he has successfully walked away from dirty pans on the stove top, dishes on counter, on island, garbage left out not put into garbage. I am so proud of him for just “turning it off” and turning on other stuff— yesterday I’d had a horrendous day and he DID do the dishes, he DID make the kids lunches (also something I prefer to do to free up his valuable time home in the evenings.)
He is a thoughtful, caring person. A reasonable man. It makes me smile.

He has also been taking agree and amplify to a whole new level. This man has got agree & amplify down to a science. Except…… he needs to learn when to use it. When I am upset that baby got a burn, and am crying, NOT the time to a&a. When I am being stupid about him cleaning the kitchen, sure, a & a a little. He’s got it, we just need to refine it. It does bring me back into reality. Yesterday when I was BREAKING DOWN, told him not to do it to me that night. That it is to be used when I am being crazy and lame about something stupid, not when there is a valid reason to be upset. I think he sees it as a way to “fix” me being sad about something genuinely upsetting… that is not it.
He has used it several times fabulously and maybe once or twice where it kind of hurt because my sadness was just sadness, over something genuine… not being stupid. Difference. Hard to explain.

2 weeks until he goes to Colorado for intensive porn addiction / intimacy withdrawal therapy. We have made so much progress, but I know truly in my heart that the progress we have made is maybe 10% of what total work there is to be done.
It feels so good now. In previous “cycles” of going through fits that threatened our marriage, THIS is the point where we’d say, this is great. We’re all set. And THEN (drumroll) complacence sets back in. And thennnn, downhill back to “normal.” That mustn’t happen this time. Douglass Weiss at Heart To Heart will reignite a fire under his ass and help us get to the next level of healing. I hope this is worth the thousands of dollars and one week of vacation time that we are investing. (exhale.)

Even as I write this I feel so fucking thankful for him. I feel so grateful that he is being patient with me, that he is loving me, that he is trying. That he IS 2.0 now, and not 1.0 any more…. that he is just really pushing himself, and doing it WITH me to help him along. I feel so proud of him. This has been a long journey for him, and it’s only been a month…
I feel like saying something cheesy like “good thing we have the rest of our lives.” :)

The few things that are really “bothering” me are boxing…. I miss boxing so god damn much. I know it is not a good place to be. And I have given my word to not return for a while. If ever. I miss the shit out of it. I try to work out at hoome doing my own supplemental workout like I did even when boxing… but nothing fulfills what boxing did for me. I realize now that I “shouldn’t” be fulfilled in the way that I was. It was not a good choice for my marriage. BUT… still. I miss it. I must let go of that.
Other thing- my book. I miss working on it. My time is all devoted to my relationship. Self healing. This blog, reading MMSL, reading other blogs that help me, and help us, but my book… I was so proud of it, it was so fulfilling. I had just hit 10,000 pages a few days before the secret came out, and I haven’t touched it since. I opened it up last week and I have TOTALLY lost my pace, my mindset, my everything. Will it come back or do I just push through it? I had an amazing rhythm, amazing mindset for it…. gone.I suppose I need to give up some time on these things and allocate more back to the book.   It is a hard decision to make though, because I feel like I need this outlet, MMSL to stay on track with my relationship. Can I have both?  Time to work on book AND do these other things?  Not really… I guess I need to push through.
What else is there?