I was wrong about some things. He is going to the website. Not as much as I would like but more than nothing. He actually has posted twice. I appreciate that. He told me. I recognized it was him once he said it. I told him I’m on that website like it’s a job, that I’m devoting my DAYS to making our relationship healthy. He said he doesn’t have that time on his hands, I understand.

We talked about Nice Guy, he was coddling me way too much after I threw a tantrum about nerf darts but I couldn’t find the courage to tell him not to. We will save that for another time. I just want the man to have some higher expectations of me. Of everyone, actually but especially me.

I decided earlier in the day to bring up something every few days or week or whatever seemed reasonable. Not to hit him all at once with EVERYthing but to let it out bit by bit and be gentle. Gentle isn’t exactly my natural path.

Decided that the first thing I’d leak out was that I desired him to be more protective of me. That it hurts me that he “lets” me do things that he should not want me doing. He even encourages it. Why on earth would he have encouraged me to go into that bagel shop last year and see if it was Corey? Who does that? If I ran into a woman from his past would I PUT THEM TOGETHER and tell him, “hey, go see if that’s your long lost friend that always wanted to have sex with you- have at it!” He says he wouldn’t have wanted me “hanging out one on one” with him but he was just trying to reconnect me. I told him I don’t want him to want me to be a boxer. I want him to be protective of me. Why should I be working out with 20 smoking hot black guys under age 30 who would all happily fuck me in the parking lot? I shouldn’t. He asked if I have been doing this things on purpose to try to push him into doing what I want.
“Maybe.” “Maybe like you don’t know or maybe like yes maybe?” “Maybe like probably.”

Hamstering, yes. What else is there sometimes. I need my man to show that he doesn’t want me with other men. Not that hard.

I gave him more examples. Wanting to photograph male athletes? Being alone with those guys? Becoming a personal trainer? One on one with fit (or working on it) men, staring at their bodies? Directing their movement? I know not all personal trainers are in it for the relationship, but I am a relationship person. I am a nurturer and a builder upper. Anyone I train will develop a strong relationship with me because of my approach with them. I talked about how that is just not a good situation and how many chances had I given him to tell me he doesn’t want me to do that? A million. “You WANT me to be one on one with a man, focusing all of my vision and intellegence on his PHYSICAL BODY?” Really? Now here I am, $600 poorer as a result of a failed shit test. Certified personal trainer that doesn’t even fucking want to personal train. Every bit of it was trying to PUSH HIM to be protective of me. I’ll “do” it. It would be “fine.” But it fucking hurts that he can’t seem to give a shit.

I admitted that so many things in our recent history intentionally have BEEN done with the sole purpose of getting him to show one ounce of protection over me. Which he never ever does. Ever.

He did tell me that he had been prodding me to work out at the Y, which is true- but I never realized that it was IN PLACE OF boxing, I thought it was in addition to, which- I don’t need nor have time to add in something else. He veiled it as “more convenient” so I could go during the day. I always shot it down because it is so NOT more convenient to cart along 2 kids. Convenient is boxing in the evening, alone. Obviously, if he would have just said “I don’t like you boxing- I want you to work out at the Y instead…” Yes, there would have been some accompanying conversation but I’d be elated.

I know he thinks he doesn’t feel entitled to tell me what to do, but I don’t know how to be any clearer than saying: I WANT YOU TO. It would make me feel like you give a shit.

He was folding laundry and I came and sat by him and told him I was going upstairs. He said “I want you to wear your engagement ring.” me: WHAT? Him: it’s something I felt like I can’t tell you, but I wish you would wear it. Me: Are you fucking kidding me, of course I will wear it. (Said in a loving way actually. I manage to use the word fuck as a term of endearment….) Him: tears in eyes. Me: What on earth? This is the kind of thing you can’t feel like you can say???? I can not believe it honey, I love you and I want to please you- I’d do anything for you, but you have to tell me. Him: I’m fucked up. Me: I’m going to go put it on and never take it off.

It is a substantial rock that gets snagged on stuff, I had to take it off for boxing, but I always wore the small flat wedding band. I remember years ago asking him, do you mind if I don’t wear the big rock? He said something like, “it’s fine, it’s your hand.” I clearly remember that he didn’t care. And never was spoken about again.

Then when we were having sex, he managed to be vocal and say fuck in a statement of direction/desire. It was glorious. A great night with excellent communication I think.

Then I see that last night, he didn’t bring a bottle upstairs, which he NEVER FORGETS.
Then this morning I see that he left the cereal out on the counter, which is an issue within itself.
It makes me question why….
So I go on his laptop and see that he read my 4 pages of posts about “role reversal” regarding how to get a man to improve his alpha if he is already getting lots of sex…. I fear that it angered him, and that is why he left the cereal out.

Now I am paranoid and will be all day. I will not email or text him about it (or anything else). If he goes through this day without emailing or texting me I KNOW he is angry— he never goes a day without sending me something. I am not paranoid of a fight, I am paranoid that he is upset, angry, that I have hurt his feelings. It would be hard to read about yourself, the things that I wrote. It is all truth though. Not something I am ashamed of. In fact, good for him to have read it, but still hurtful.

Bleh. I should go be productive today and get my mind off this.