It’s not on my radar every day to think of what he is withholding from me. I accept what he gives and we talk (sometimes it feels like constant talking…)
Yesterday he called me into the bedroom. There was no indication that it was sex time, he was wearing his jeans and a sweatshirt, the light was on. He said “close the door.”

In that moment, it just flashed that this was the time. This was when he was going to tell me that there have been prostitutes. There has been someone else, something more that I don’t know about.
I could just FEEL it, in a second or three, it took over my body and I cried.
I felt “here it comes, how bad is it going to be??” Felt frantic and hurt and scared and sad.

I sat down in front of him and he said something about SEX and it blew my mind. I told him what happened. All in my own head. That I just got this “feeling”… and it hurt. That I do still on some level await more “news” more of the iceberg, more of the trickle truth.

Sad that I have to wonder, that I have to not really know… He did end up having sex with me, which was “fine” … too many emotions maybe, but not the good kind. He warmly told me that there is nothing more to tell, there are no prostitutes, no other women, just the constant porn/masturbation/Nice Guy problems…

I am SO TIRED of him telling me (“warning me”) or asking if I’m “in the mood” for sex. I cannot wait for the day that he just DOES. Without warning, without advance notice of any kind, without any kind of question. Some day it will happen. He knows I want him to and one day…. it will make me very happy.

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