still feeling sad. disappointed in life, the universe, everything.
plus last night was the first time we didn’t have sex in weeks.

i wonder why sex is so important to me. yes, some people are high drive and some are low drive, but beyond that, it makes me feel connected, validated as a wife, mother, PERSON. is it bad that sex has such a hold on my whole … whatever?

i feel lost yesterday and today. you think you know yourself, you know what is right and wrong and a good idea and a bad idea and then sometimes the universe just spins that around and says: boom. fuck you.

so who am i? what is it about me that makes me me?
i am a wife and mother first.
then what?
I am barely a daughter.
I am not a sister. i am barely a cousin.
i am a stay home mom who “works” about a month out of the year.
i am lonely, i crave real friendships here. my heart is in our last city.
I am an entrepreneur, a meat eater, a skinny girl with no shape.
i am half asian, half other white stuff.
my frizzy black hair is always a mess.
i pick my nails as low as they go.
i wear cheap jewelry and wear the same watch every single day, the watch i bought myself the day i met my husband.
i am a giver, a lover, an overgusher and over complimenter.
i am a bitch when people aren’t around. i am a gossiper with my husband.
I have forgiven many things done to me.
i am a salt snob, a sugar binge eater, a boxer, a girl who loves muscles.
I am a proud mother. A pushy mother. A tired wife.
I am a healthy food hater and a computer hater.
i am a good communicator, able to ask for what i want and need.
i dream of a life without electronics and screens everywhere.
i am impulsive, very impulsive. i avoid conflicts, and sugar coat most things.
i am awesome at giving birth, awesome at baking and cooking healthy meals.
i love exercise, but i am anything but a runner.
i am out of control with food. i hate drinking water.
i crave alcohol daily.
I have been without major tragedy in my life, without devestation.

I don’t know what else. A good friend is coming over today. I need some oomph. Once again, horribly difficult not to speak of all I am dealing with. Just don’t feel like I can though, and still be outwardly respectful towards my marriage. Hard balance between being true to myself and being protective of my husband/relationship.

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