My husband is bringing his A game.
Despite being angry as a motherfucker at him most of the time, he really brought it last night.

So first, I take a shower and to surprise him, I put on something sexy. His favorite something sexy.
(Keeping in mind that any favorites have been established only in the last few weeks since before that, his sexual desires and likes were too far repressed.)

I walk in front of him, ready for him to notice and he says somethiing half assed and forced, and then starts talking about the kids.
Um, what?
I sit and stare at him as he looks at my face talking. I am almost naked and beautified/ready for him to take me and he speaks for several minutes about some bedtime routine discussion.
I am growing irate.

Finally, I tell him: what the fuck- do you see me here?
He leans in and starts kissing me.
I tell him: this is not genuine. You can not fucking ignore me like that.
He (nice guy syndrome) says he is sorry, he just wanted to say something before he forgot, he is sorry…
I exhale and tell him I’m angry and I am so not in the mood.
I playfully tell him I’m still angry and he’s going to have to work extra hard to get me back now.
He uses language that makes him SO UNCOMFORTABLE to turn me on and show persistance. (point 2)
He teases me, keeps talking (!!!) and manages to successfully turn me on and get me off and hit it hard. (points 3, 4 and 5.)

He skimmed over my breasts though, which did not make me happy.
Afterwards, despite having just been very satisfied, I had to address the ignoring of boobs. This is a forever standing issue. Even when the sex was duty sex (for 10 years) I would ASK HIM outright to please pay attention to my boobs. He SIMPLY.COULD.NOT.
Much of the time, I complained of nipple pain, they were oversensitive, but I still wanted him to be sensual with them just with gentleness on the nipple or even staying off the nipple and just going around them… but nothing. My boobs are fake. Big, fake, unnatural looking and feeling as fake boobs are. On top of the fact that they are round hard saline balls on my chest, I have a small frame and zero natural breast tissue and low body fat. All of that means that there is no natural “coverage” of the implants. They look and feel very fake, there’s no other way to have them there, but to have this unnatural look and feel.

So even with my requests, he’d barely touch them, barely anything them.
So when he ignored them last night it hit a nerve. A while after sex, I asked him straight up: do you not like my boobs?
I have never asked such a simple, direct question.

What came of it was this:
* He feels horrible but does not like my breasts. He thinks they look “good” (even if it is obvious that they are fake) but does not at all like how they feel.
– I do not know how much that is TRUE per se or if it is an excuse for just not paying attention to me (or my boobs) sexually.
* He is turned off when they “turn hard”.
– They turn hard fairly often, especially during sex. During certain movements, and orgasms, the way that I move makes them turn hard- any time my chest muscles are used, my boobs “flex” up into little cubes on my chest. It is admittedly kind of gross and weird.
* If faced with 3 options, this is what he would choose, in order. First choice: get them redone with saline if it would make a difference in the softness. Second choice, get them REMOVED. Third, leave them the same.
—- so that tells me that obviously, the natural FEELING of soft breasts is very important.
* He loves boobs. He has repressed it very deeply over his adult life, he feels it is shameful or “disrespectful” to admit this, but he does. So faced with NO BOOBS or FAKE feeling boobs, he said it was unfair to make him choose.
– this made me very upset. He was upset that he made me upset, and I told him it wasn’t his fault and I was not mad at him, just feeling more (eyeroll) self pity that I was born with breasts that didn’t develop. He felt horrible and I felt horrible.

Then the A GAME came back. I went to the bathroom, crying, and when I came back he gave me some talk about what turns men on- touch and feel. That there is more to me than my breasts, even though he “likes boobs” I still turn him on. Of course my female brain went in to “how can I turn you on if I don’t have what you like most…” blah blah blah
He asked me: did you feel how hard my cock was when you crawled in bed? (( ALPHA POINTS. ))
He equated my lack of boobs to his less than huge muscles. He knows I like men very muscly. He is only moderately muscly (with no effort.) He asked if I am still turned on by him. Obviously yes. Even though he doesn’t have huge muscles? Yes, but I’d be much more turned on if you did have more….
He said that’s how it is with boobs.

Basically, he turned it all around, Made it all *make sense* and took charge of that whole issue.
I am still left with a hole in my heart a little bit. I feel bad that I CAN NOT give him what he loves. I can’t be the person who I could with boobs to turn him on that much.

And of course my brain then goes to “maybe that’s why he started getting hooked on porn to begin with…”
I wanted to ask that but did not. I had a lot of questions that don’t have a good answer. I didn’t even bother asking them because there is no win. Any answer would have only hurt me more, and made him feel worse, so what was the point.

There is no answer to my lack of boobs.
I think if I got silicone, they’d hang slightly more naturally but they still would not feel good to him. Being under the muscle without a lot of tissue over them, they’d still flex into cubes. It is just the nature of breast implants.

I pictured crawling into bed without boobs, with my natural flat chest. Yes yes yes there’s more to me than just my boobs, I get all that. I could still turn him on, it is just hard to imagine that I’d have so many fewer tools in my box to VISUALLY turn him on. And then there’s the risk that the lack of boobs could be more than just one less turn on, it may be an actual TURN OFF.

At one point he said that if they must get hard like that when I move, he guesses he’d rather just have them out and have no boobs at all. Hard to write it right now.
If I get them out, I literally have a sternum with no breasts. Less than a young thin boy. So unattractive. Hurtful.

I was so impressed with how he handled it all though. He BROUGHT it last night. He did not regress into total nice guy. He took risks, felt the disappointment when he knew his words stung me. He was present with his feelings. He did not run away to jack off to porn. He stayed with me, slept with me, held me close.
He said the right things, he did the right things. He turned it all around. I appreciate it all so much.