I just put my sweet baby to sleep. My husband is out with the other 3 boys sledding in the neighborhood. I rocked my almost-one year old baby to sleep in my arms, knowing that I’d do anything for him. I’d do anything to give him a secure, healthy, happy upbringing. I want to raise him with two parents. Not any two parents. My husband and I, together.

4 weeks ago, I would have said that my wonderful husband just has a low sex drive and has a lot on his plate. I would make excuses for his lack of interest and connection with me. I didn’t know about the constant porn then. I didn’t know I believed a lie. He didn’t have a low sex drive. He wasn’t asexual. He chose to neglect me and fantasize and get off to porn instead. An addiction is only an addiction for so long, at some point, every addiction was a choice.

I’m tired right now of all of it. I won’t likely ever leave him unless he has physically been with other women. Dirty, paid women. I wonder how much I still don’t know. I wonder about unknown emotional affairs, prostitutes, happy ending massages, I wonder about it all. Nothing is clear. It is all clouded by a thick thick smoke.

He is so present right now. I love him so much. It hurts so badly to be betrayed by someone you trust and love and try to make happy.

I have always been my own person. Have never lost myself to trying to please him. And I don’t plan to. But it is hard. I look round and see all that I “have.” Four beautiful boys. A home. A neighborhood with friends. Money to buy what we need and a little more. Kindness. Why does it hurt so badly to not have had his love, to feel the sting of now learning that it isn’t what I thought? I don’t know.