I don’t know when to trust that what I’m experiencing is real, and it keeps me from genuinely enjoying what is happening now.

Sex has been good.  Um, amazing, almost.  Certainly better than when we were first together.

I see so much now.  I know that I fell for and married my husband because he was ‘different’ than all the other men I dated.  Our relationship *wasn’t* based on sex.  He didn’t seem to *use* me for sex.  In fact, he barely wanted sex at all.  Which means he liked me and loved me more deeply, right?  Wrong.  What it really meant is that he was sexually fucked up and I was in for a life of WORK to get SEX.

For 10 years, I received duty sex.  It all changed in 2003, when I was pregnant and he cheated on me once.  One very bad choice, changed everything.  Up until then he was being somewhat intimately available.  At least he showed desire, which is really all I needed.

Then it all changed, he changed, he stopped.   He withdrew his emotions, needs, desires, his connection with himself for his own feelings of intimacy for me or anyone else.

Yet, here I am, 33 and on a mission for better sex.  I HAVE BEEN GETTING BETTER SEX.  I have not fully embraced the degree of awesome that I am getting because I fear it will be the last time.  The last time before another big decline, so I don’t want to prepare myself for happiness.

(My issue now.)  The sex has been amazing.  He still can’t communicate really at all.  Can’t say any words besides “sex” “oral” “down there” … can’t bring any other words out of his mouth even though I have been.  2 nights ago was the best ever: he told me to tell him two things to do.  I did. One involved acting like it was his first time doing something…. and let’s just say he WAS AMAZING.  He was slow, looked at my body (this never happens), ENJOYED IT, was so physically present in the moment, I’d never had anything like that with him before.

It shows me that he CAN DO IT, he just hasn’t wanted to.  It is all so repressed so very deeply that he can’t get there.

Somehow, he is getting there now.  He is making it happen.  He enjoys it while doing it but still admits to feeling total dread when thinking of it ahead of time.

I am here.  Trying.  Working with him and being patient. 

I want better sex, I want sex with the father of my young children, I want a relationship with HIM, and I want to be seen, felt, touched, loved.  I feel like it is coming, and hope that it is real.