It is hard to not say to people in my normal daily life what I’m dealing with. It’s such a huge portion of my head and my heart right now, and it is just ignored constantly.

Friends ask how I’m doing, how my new years was, and I can’t remotely explain to them what it all meant to me, how I felt, things really going on. Yes, I’m telling a few select friends, but most daily aquaintances, hell no. They wouldn’t understand, and they don’t try to. They have no reason to understand.

I think back to the “it’s such a stress relief.” As if occasional masturbation is the problem.
We are making progress. I am seeing and showing him that the root of his problem is in his “blockage” as I call it, something blocking him from feeling anything, ever, really. Something from his childhood, a protective mechanism, that prevents all real feelings. Only going through the motions.

I just 1. don’t want to deal with assenine reactions 2. feel like this is a private matter- we are discussing porn and masturbation and sex life and 3. I am embarassed and 4. I don’t want to disrespect my husband or our relationship, whether it lasts or not.

But still, I struggle. I text back “all good, dealing with some stuff in my marraige but fine.” They ask what’s going on. Of course they do. I have nothing good to say. “I don’t want to go into it.” and I know people hate that but whatever. I need to learn to be stronger.