WELL. that was interesting.

therapist was very dismissive of what was important to me. what i valued in relationship dynamics. he brushed off my alpha/beta desires, traditional roles within marriage, and was especially dismissive of “that support group you’re going to”….

Maybe he didn’t brush them off entirely but they didn’t seem to matter to him.

he also let us know that jim married a version of his controlling (abusive) mother. great, thanks for that.

yes, i see that i am controlling. i am a strong, confident, able woman and i know that. i know that without really knowing me, i may come off as abrasive and crass and entitled, and while i AM abrasive and crass, not so much entitled at all… i simply recognize what i deserve.

i am controlling, i am a negative person, and i refuse to go along with societal norms just because they are the norms of a stupid society. i am also too trusting. i have trusted and am still here, trusting.

i am dealing with him the way that i’ve always dealt with him, with a softness and kindness.

i was angry today in therapy, downright angry. i didn’t like the feelnig from the therapist, i didn’t like anything. i questioned whether it was GOOD uncomfortable or bad uncomfortable though….. just because he made me uncomfortable doesn’t mean he isn’t going to elicit change and real benefits… so i don’t know.

bad gut feel for sure, but also wary of my own negativity.

not trusting myself.

seeing so many ways that i have contributed to my husband’s downfall and feeling a lot of guilt. YES, he is the one that made the choice to stop connecting with me, stop feeding me, to entirely cut me off emotionally and physically, yet i did a lot to get us there. it is sad and upsetting and disturbing.

not to mention i still do not trust him one bit. i think more truth is to come, i think he HAS cheated on me.

just feeling bad. sad today.
sad that i made myself look like such a raving bitch in the therapists office today.
sad that it is so much work.
sad that he says i love you at the every phone conversation.
sad that he can’t be himself.
sad that he was abused and fucked up as a child.
sad that i was too.

frustrated with life.
glad to be here but frustrated.
feeling guilty and stupid and unhappy.