It all went down on Thursday before Christmas. I woke him up at 12:30 am and hit him up with “what’s going on here, are you cheating on me?” and it all came out.

Friday he went in to work. He came home, it was awful. Saturday: terrible. Sunday: horrendous. Monday: vascillating between a nightmare and seeing little glimpses of maybe some possibility.
Tuesday: Christmas: wonderful.
Today, first day back to work… I was fine all day. We had another night of amazing conversation and great connection.

When he got home though, I felt weirdness. Awkwardness, like curl up in a ball and swallow a lump in my throat awkward.
Then naseua.
He was being “nice” and polite and “sweet” but his body language was bad. It was “nice” kind of bad. SO passive, so “nice.” So uninterested and “tired” and without. Without passion, without interest, just… without.

I felt that, and it scared me. I’d started to feel an iota of hope about it all, and then boom- go to work, come home back to the normal come home state.

He saw my sadness and asked about it (one point for him for noticing and speaking.)
I told him. He said he’d been home for an hour and hadn’t turned on the tv or touched his phone. Well, I guess I should be happy for that but all I wanted to do was eyeroll and offer a “want a cookie for doing what you’re supposed to be doing anyways?” line.

I just feel jaded, so over it all, so emotionally spent. I’m wiped out.

No More Mr. Nice Guy arrived today. I only flipped through it but holy shit, it appears to be written for my husband. Holding on to the hope. Hoping to see him pick it up and read it. He asked “is this for me too?”
I felt it was a HINT of exasperation in his voice. Like, okay, I ran five miles, did the christmas returns, worked 11 hours, and here I am, home, and you have another assignment for me?
I could be wrong and I hope I am. He knows it is for him, he knows I think it will be invaluable for him, for us, and I hope he takes it upon himself to pick it up.
I know he has a demanding life and I am respectful of that.
We will see. So much to “wait and see.” It is hard.

When we lie in bed at night though, and I can see him REALLY trying, that is when I appreciate him and know he truly is putting in more effort than I’d dream of. I am thankful for that.

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