option 1.
live with a kind, gentle, sweet man who wants nothing more than to please me by being considerate and quiet and pleasant. keep my family as a unit, the children having both parents under one roof, but without ever seeing daddy really enjoying mommy. the children can hear how nice people interact with each other, they can grow up WITH their father as a constant every day presence in their life. The father of my children will be doing cub scout activities, building, getting dirty, doing man things. i would live without being noticed, seen, appreciated. i would live without ever a day of passionate sex. of being wanted sexually or intimately. i would forever and always give that up. forever and always.
i would have to accept that no matter how hard i try, he will not see me for the beautiful human being that i am. no matter how many short tight skirts i wear in front of him, how my legs look in the heels, how many hours i spend in the gym, what kind of bra i am wearing walking 5 feet in front of him, no matter how fresh and sweet i look when i first wake up, no matter how beautiful my smile is or how warm my hugs are, they will always be unwanted. they will be more than unnoticed, they will make him physically uncomfortable. any mention of my desire of sex will make him cringe, physically. he will never want to touch me, will never LOVE me and soak me up for the person i am.

option 2.
seperate. the children would be with only one parent at a time for the most part. it would break their hearts. they are too big to be oblivious to it now. they would ask us to stay together, they would wish for it quietly and openly. i and them would live different lives. we would likely share a small 2 or 3 bedroom home with one bathroom and a kitchen and living room. it would be difficult to maintain for me, living our current way of life would be hard, even though we already live very frugally. i would have no insurance. i would continue to not work for 4 years until my littlest baby is in school, or maybe if we had some arrangement i could work a few nights a week if they went to their father. i would have no one to be my life partner, which is not bad emotionally but in practical ways, i would have no one to change my oil, to cut the grass, to unclog toilets, kill spiders and fill bird feeders. i wouldn’t have anyone to call if my garage didn’t open or if my car didn’t start. maybe i would still call him but it wouldn’t be very welcome. i would, however, eagerly get beautiful every morning looking forward to the possibility of being noticed by someone. every day would hold hope, which now- there is none of. the possibility of hope, even without fulfillment, is better than constant and expected (then fulfilled) disappointment.

is there an option 3?